Building Your Fitness with Mind-Reads

Mind-reading affects all of our lives to a certain degree, and at times the consequences can be tragic. It’s not uncommon for Mind-reads to ruin friendships, end marriages, and create miserable work environments, as well as leading to a lot of bad decisions. If an inaccurate Mind-read never gets questioned, it may endure for years. We may live our entire lives with false, and sometimes painful beliefs about what the people around us think or feel. Consider the impact of believing “My father still hasn’t forgiven me for selling the family business,” “The tenured faculty have always looked down on me,” or “My wife regrets marrying me rather than the man she was engaged to when I met her.”

While we can’t completely eliminate Mind-reads—we’re bound to make some assumptions about other people, and others are bound to make some assumptions about us—we can go a long way in limiting their negative effects. In this and subsequent posts, you’ll learn not only how to counteract your own Mind-reads, but also how to become less of a target for other people’s Mind-reads and how to coach others to challenge their assumptions.

Transformation Skill: Trading Mind-Reads for Reality
In our experience, the communication behavior we discussed in the previous set of posts—Yes-But—is relatively well known. When people enter our trainings, they usually have some familiarity with Yes-Buts, even if they can’t always identify them in conversation. In contrast, the concept of Mind-reading often comes as a new revelation. One reason for this is that Mind-reads tend to keep a low profile. Many of them are never spoken out loud, so they influence our communication in more subtle ways. Another contributing factor is an issue we mentioned earlier—our Mind-reads often seem like facts to us. We may even view them as evidence of our keen perception or intuition about other people.

As a result, the odds are good that you’ve never before considered Mind-reads to be a problem for you. Before you heard about them in this blog, you may never have heard the term “Mind-read” or had any occasion to seriously question the assumptions you make about other people. If you do have a strong tendency to Mind-read, it’s important to realize that. For you, the strategies in this section may hold the key for bringing positive change to many aspects of your life.

Step 1: Self-awareness
When it comes to Mind-reads, a little self-awareness can make a big difference. Simply by seeing a Mind-read for what it is—your own assumption rather than reality—you instantly begin to diffuse its power. The first step is to start noticing the beliefs you have about other people’s thoughts and feelings, and then ask yourself where those beliefs are coming from. Are they are grounded firmly in reality, or are they based on gossip, hearsay, or your own worries or speculations? If you believe your boss is disappointed with you, is it because he said that in your performance evaluation, or because of the expression on his face the last time you talked? If you’re sure your son doesn’t want to come home for the holidays, did you hear that directly from him? Did someone else in the family tell you? Or did you jump to that conclusion because he hasn’t bought his plane ticket yet?

After you’ve recognized that your belief about someone is a Mind-read, the next step is to acknowledge what that means: you might be wrong. This may not be easy. It’s difficult for any of us to let go of long-held beliefs about the people in our lives—whether they’re about a business rival’s true intentions, a colleague’s hidden agenda, a child’s unspoken feelings, or a parent’s silent regrets. Challenge yourself to admit the possibility that your assumptions could be inaccurate.

There’s one final step in building your awareness. You haven’t fully understood a Mind-read until you’ve examined the effects it has on you. What is the impact of having that particular Mind-read, without knowing for certain whether it’s true or false? You might consider how it affects your view of the other person, your relationship with that person, your view of yourself, your future actions, and so on. Then ask yourself about the impact of testing your Mind-read against reality. What would it be like to learn that the assumption you’ve been making is true? What would it be like to learn that it’s false?

As you consider the impact of different Mind-reads, you’ll likely discover that some don’t affect you very strongly. For instance, you might believe that your colleague is a little bored with her boyfriend, that your real estate agent would rather be a gardener, or that your neighbor doesn’t really like your dog. You’re not losing any sleep over these issues. In cases like this, where discovering the truth wouldn’t make much difference to you, you might just want to notice that your assumptions may or may not be true.

Other Mind-reads have far more serious implications. You might worry that your new boss thinks you’re not qualified for your job, that your spouse is considering leaving you, or that your friend is feeling suicidal and too ashamed to tell you. In these situations, you have compelling reasons to discover the truth—to potentially save your job, your marriage, or your friend, as well as to recover your own peace of mind. To do this, you need to move on to Step 2: reality checking. Stay tuned!

Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 3: Avoidance of Direct Questions

We've been talking about Mind-reading as a common response to ambiguity, but of course, it’s not the only option. There’s one obvious alternative: ask the person what they’re thinking or feeling. Instead of speculating, just ask directly, “Are you irritated with me?” or “Are you disappointed about the decision we made?” If we all did that, and received honest answers, Mind-reading would cease to exist. But much of the time we don’t do it. There are a variety of reasons why.

• Lack of awareness. Mind-reading often happens automatically. Unaware that we’re making assumptions, we feel as though we’re directly perceiving something real—seeing a person’s boredom in her facial expression, or hearing the resentment in her voice. Why would we bother testing something that we (apparently) know to be true? We wouldn’t. And so we don’t.

• Lack of trust. If you don’t already have a strong, trusting relationship with somebody, asking a direct question about what they think or feel can be very risky. It’s impossible to know what kind of response you’ll get. You may or may not receive an honest answer. The person may appreciate your directness, or may end up feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or annoyed. Lack of trust tends to make any new work team, social group, or romantic relationship a rich breeding ground for Mind-reads. We’re also more likely to Mind-read if we distrust a person’s motives or integrity.
  
• Group norms. If you grew up in a family where Mind-reading was the norm, it might never occur to you to check out your assumptions about other people. Or, you might continue to Mind-read your relatives, even though you ask more direct questions with your friends. Most of us communicate a little differently in different contexts, responding to the dominant culture of each group or organization. In some organizations, it is commonplace for people to ask their coworkers, direct reports, and supervisors frank questions about their thoughts and feelings on various work-related issues. In other organizations, such open questioning (particularly if directed toward a superior in the hierarchy) may seem shockingly out of place.
  
• Active discouragement. Sometimes people actively discourage us from asking about their thoughts and feelings. In fact, they might even demand that we Mind-read them. Of course, they don’t specifically tell us to Mind-read; rather, they tell us to be more perceptive, or more empathetic. A boss might say, “You need to anticipate what I want” or “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I’m thinking.” A partner or spouse might say, “If you really loved me, you’d know why I got angry.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with paying closer attention and noticing patterns in what others say and do. We can certainly get better at anticipating people’s responses. For instance, you might learn that when your wife makes a particular facial expression, it usually means she’s upset; or that when your boss says, “That’s one way to look at things,” it usually means he strongly disagrees with an idea. However, there are always limits to what you can know. As you get more and more specific—making the leap from she’s upset to she’s angry to she’s angry with me to she’s angry with me because I left dirty dishes in the sink—you’re less and less likely to be accurate.

Think about your own life and work. Are there particular contexts or relationships where it seems easier, more natural, or more appropriate to Mind-read than to ask a direct question?

Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 2: Personal Bias

In the last post, we discussed how ambiguity often leads to Mind-reading. That's just the first part of the story. The next question is, once we’re faced with an ambiguous message, what tools do we use to interpret it? How do we fill in the blanks? In the case of Mind-reading, we rely on what we already know—or think we know—which may or may not be relevant to the current situation. The information we draw on may include:

• Personal tendencies. When we’re trying to understand how others think, feel, and act, the most obvious guides we have are our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Suppose one of your coworkers recently dropped her only child off at college. If you’ve previously experienced “empty-nest syndrome,” you might think, “That must be hard for her. I’m sure she’s lonely.” If you had a different experience, you might think, “I’m sure she’s relieved to have more time to herself.” Our own tendencies can easily lead us to misinterpret other people’s behavior. For instance, if you usually write fairly chatty emails and only send brief, impersonal messages when you’re annoyed, you might assume that someone who sends you a terse email is feeling annoyed with you. It’s possible that you’re right, but just as likely that you’re completely wrong.
  
• Worries and fears. A good example of this occurred recently when we were leading a new training for the first time. The presentation included relatively long lectures, with fewer breaks for interactive exercises than we usually give. We weren’t sure how successful that format would be. Amy in particular was worried that people might get bored or overwhelmed trying to take in so much information all at once. When she saw one person fidgeting and shifting in his seat, she was certain that her fears were justified—this man’s mind was drifting because she’d been talking for too long. As it turns out, Amy was right about the distraction but totally wrong about the cause. This man had a serious leg injury that made it painful for him to remain sitting. He didn’t need the lectures to be shorter; he just needed to be able to stand up from time to time. And when we asked the whole group to critique our new training format, we received nothing but compliments about the lectures.
  
• Hearsay and rumors. Mind-reads can be contagious. If you hear from other people that your new neighbor is snobbish, that idea may color all the interactions you have with him. When he turns down your invitation to a cookout, you might assume it’s because he feels superior to you or would rather do something more exciting (rather than because he’s shy, has strict dietary restrictions, or has a previous commitment for that day). If you have a tendency to talk openly about other people’s intentions, be careful about spreading Mind-reads (for instance, the new salesman is trying to kiss up to the boss; Alison is afraid of commitment; or Frank is prejudiced against female leaders). Your Mind-read of someone may become that person’s reputation—and reputations are very hard to shake.
  
• Past experience with the person. Established knowledge about a person—including what they’ve told you previously about their thoughts and feelings—is one of the more reliable sources of information. It’s far from perfect, however. Do you ever change your opinion on an issue, or start to feel differently about someone or something over time? We’ll bet you do. Other people do too. The more time goes by, the greater the possibility that what you used to know about somebody is no longer true.
  
• Past experience with other people. We may also try to understand people by comparing them to others we’ve known in the past: “She’s just like my sister—she says she agrees with me when it’s obvious she doesn’t” or “I know the type; he only feels motivated when there’s a crisis.” As with any other Mind-reads, these speculations will sometimes be accurate, and sometimes inaccurate. What they certainly are not is reliable.

Where Do Mind-reads Come From?

Continuing our series on Mind-reads, we consider various factors that lead us to use this type of communication.

Typically, we don’t go around making random assumptions about other people’s thoughts and feelings; there are reasons behind our Mind-reads. The problem is, those reasons may have little or no connection to what’s really going on. Mind-reading tends to be driven by ambiguity, shaped by personal bias, and supported by a avoidance of direct questions. In this post, we'll take a close look at the first of these factors.

Ambiguity
Mind-reads feed on ambiguity. When a person says or does something that is open to multiple interpretations, we jump to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. This often happens automatically, outside our awareness. We don’t consciously reason, “Alex is looking out the window, which could mean that he’s bored”; we just think, “Alex is bored.” Ambiguity creeps into communication in several different ways:

• Silence. What does it mean when you ask a question and get no answer? Is the other person confused? Irritated? Afraid of saying the wrong thing? What about when you get no response to an opinion, suggestion, joke, or personal story? Or when someone fails to reply to email or voicemail messages? It’s possible to read just about anything into silence. Suppose the leader of a meeting makes a proposal and nobody responds. One person might assume this means that everyone agrees. Another might assume that everyone disagrees, but is afraid to raise an objection. Someone else might conclude that no one really understood the proposal. We make these sorts of interpretations all the time, labeling silence at different times as tacit support, patient listening, apathy, stonewalling, defiance, and so on. In the story that started this series, Ben interpreted Alan’s silence as an expression of lingering anger.
  
• Vagueness. Sometimes words can be just as ambiguous as silence. When a colleague says that your latest presentation was “interesting,” does that mean he found it fascinating and thought-provoking, or confusing and bizarre? When your friend calls your new shoes “very unusual,” does she like them or does she hate them? These vague comments fuel speculations about what the person really thinks. It’s easy to slip into either a positive Mind-read (“He was really impressed by my presentation”) or a negative one (“She hates my shoes but doesn’t want to tell me directly”).
  
• Body language. Not all communication is verbal. Aspects of our body language—including posture, gestures, facial expression, and eye movements—can carry just as much information as the words we use. Unfortunately, that information isn’t always clear or consistent with the message we’re trying to send. One woman we trained (call her Jen) was surprised to learn that her body language could make her appear judgmental. This became clear when she was acting as a mentor in an educational program. A woman Jen was mentoring said she felt uncomfortable talking to her about challenging personal issues, because she believed Jen was judging her and judging what she said. It turned out that when Jen was listening to her mentee, she furrowed her eyebrows and squinted a little. To this woman, that expression conveyed a critical, judging attitude. In reality, it was something that happened unconsciously whenever Jen listened intently to anyone. (Jen does her best to avoid doing that now to prevent others from developing similar Mind-reads.)

• Absence of voice tone. Voice tone is a powerful force in communication. In fact, the tone we use often has a greater impact on a conversation than the words we say. There’s a world of difference between the neutral remark “Remember that the meeting starts at 10” and the same words spoken with a snide or accusatory tone. However, in a written format like email, both comments may look exactly the same. As a result, the sender’s friendly reminder may be received as an attack or a sarcastic jab. While email may be a great convenience, the ambiguity it creates can easily lead to misunderstandings. The same risks apply to text messaging and any other forms of electronic media that don’t communicate voice tone.

A Great Friendship Gone Bad: What Went Wrong?

In our last post, we told a true story about a communication breakdown between Ben and a close colleague (whom we’re calling Alan), and we challenged you to identify the specific behavior that caused all the trouble. Could you tell what it was?

You may have noticed that we didn’t include any dialogue in the story. That’s because in this case, the most influential communication was never stated out loud. Ben wanted to restore his relationship with Alan, and, as we’ll show later, he could have done that quite easily if he’d made the effort. He simply didn’t try—not because of what Alan had said to him, but because of what he kept saying to himself. He was convinced that he knew what was going on in Alan’s mind. Consider some of the comments he makes: “it was clear that was what he wanted”; “I got the unspoken message”; and “there was no doubt that Alan was still angry.” All of these are what we call “Mind-reads.” Without realizing it, Ben was allowing his Mind-reads to ruin his friendship.

Mind-Reads—Turning Friends into Fictions
When we Mind-read, we treat our assumptions about other people—what we imagine they’re thinking or feeling—as though they were facts. Mind-reads may be simple statements about a person’s psychological state (“Marilyn’s tired”; “Jim is still upset”; “You’re in a good mood today”); they may address relationships with us or with others (“I can tell my boss is disappointed in me”; “Bill clearly prefers working with Tom”; “Our neighbors have an unhappy marriage”); or they may deal with any number of other topics (“You didn’t enjoy that party”; “I know Jack wants a raise”; “He’d rather hire someone younger”; “They’re waiting for us to make the first move”; and so on).

Mind-reads get people into a lot of trouble. Have you ever talked to someone who seemed to think they could read your mind? This can be extremely irritating, particularly when the person implies that they know you better than you know yourself—“You don’t really mean that”; “You think you love her, but you’re just infatuated”; “You can’t admit to yourself that he was right.” The consequences of unspoken Mind-reads can be just as serious. We may start to talk and act in ways that are based more on imagination than on reality. Ben’s experience with Alan is a good example of that.

When we rely too heavily on Mind-reads, we are in a sense populating our world with imaginary friends—not to mention imaginary coworkers, bosses, spouses, children, and so forth. These individuals may bear a strong resemblance to the real people they’re based on, but important aspects of their personalities and emotional lives are created by our own minds. In the opening story, Alan became more and more of a fiction to Ben; the open-minded, compassionate person he knew appeared increasingly distant, closed off, and unforgiving. Mind-reads are not always so negative. Some people may seem more generous, intelligent, and likeable in our imagination than they would if we really got to know them. The problem is that whether wicked or wonderful, imaginary friends aren’t real.

As we continue this series of posts, we’ll take a close look at the various factors that lead to Mind-reads, as well as strategies we can use to counteract them.

A Great Friendship Gone Bad

What communication problem made these two people grow apart?

As summer vacations come to a close, we're getting back to work on this blog with a new series of posts. If you've been following along, you know that our last series covered Yes-Buts. We're now moving on to a another kind of challenging communication behavior. Before we tell you what it is, we challenge you to figure that out for yourself. Read the case below and ask yourself, what is the primary issue that's causing problems in this situation?
______________________________________

(This story comes from Ben’s personal experience, so he’ll narrate it directly.) 

It was a real loss for me to fall out of contact with Alan[1], but it was clear that was what he wanted.

When Alan and I first met at a conference in 2003, we hit it off instantly. We both did organizational coaching and consulting, and we found we had a lot to learn from one another. Over time, we developed a strong friendship and professional connection. Every month we spoke on the phone and coached each other on different cases we were working on. Whenever one of us was struggling with a difficult issue, in either our work or our personal life, we’d talk it through together and leave with insights and solutions we could never think up on our own. Overall, the relationship felt remarkably rewarding and supportive.

The turning point came about four years into our friendship. In one of our calls, Alan told me about an upsetting incident that had happened in a professional networking group he belonged to. Listening to his story made me angry; I thought he had been treated unfairly and deserved an apology. Feeling resentful on Alan’s behalf, I complained about the incident to another friend (Chris) who was a part of that same group. Chris then raised the issue with the group leader, and eventually word got back to Alan that I’d been talking about his experience.

Alan called me up, furious — and rightly so. He had talked to me in confidence and expected I would keep the discussion between us. I apologized profusely, but had the sense that it wasn’t good enough. Clearly Alan was still upset. I worried that he would never again feel able to trust me with anything personal. My fears were confirmed later that month. We had a date set for one of our mutual coaching sessions, and for the first time, Alan didn’t call. I sent him an email asking what had happened, but never heard back. I got the unspoken message: He didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

Over the next two years, my only contact with Alan was at the same annual conference where we had originally met. Although Alan wasn’t rude or hostile, he made no attempt to engage me in conversation. The first year, when I said “Hello,” he said “Hello” in reply, but then kept on walking. The second year, even though we participated in a small workshop together, we did nothing more than exchange a few pleasantries. By that point there was no doubt that Alan was still angry, and that I had little chance of restoring my friendship with him.

[1] Names and identifying details have been changed to preserve anonymity.
_________________
Now we ask you, from the point of view of communication behavior, what is the primary issue disrupting Ben and Alan's friendship? We'll reveal the answer in our next post. (If you think you know it, don't give it away, but feel free to email us directly to check out your guess.) Stay tuned!

Yes-But Quiz — the Answers!

1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
Yes-But: "Sure" is the Yes, and "However" is the But.

2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
NOT a Yes-But: You could easily make it into a Yes-But: "You can buy a dog, but you'll have to feed it and walk it once a day."

3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
NOT a Yes-But: Although there's a "but," it doesn't set up an opposition between two ideas. 

4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
Yes-But
 
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
NOT a Yes-But: There's no "Yes" here. A But without the Yes is what we call a Discount.
 
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
Yes-But: This is more subtle, but still presenting two competing ideas in opposition with one another.
 
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
Yes-But: Again, a fairly subtle Yes-But.
 
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
Yes-But: Here, "On the other hand," is the But.

9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
NOT a Yes-But: You could present the same idea as a Yes-But — for example, "I see some advantages to your plan, but there are also a few disadvantages." Notice how this sounds a little different and can have a different impact on the conversation.
 
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
TRICKY: We think this one could go either way, depending on context and voice tone. To hear this as a non-Yes-But, imagine the second statement said in a neutral tone and followed by, "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
NOT a Yes-But

12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
Yes-But: This one comes with a relatively long, drawn out Yes before hitting the But ("unfortunately").

13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
Yes-But

14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
NOT a Yes-But 

15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
Yes-But: This one may not be a high-impact Yes-But, but it still sets up a contradiction.

16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
Yes-But: This is a fairly innocuous Yes-But that may well have no negative impact on the conversation. But it's still a Yes-But.
 
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
Yes-But

18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
NOT a Yes-But: Depending on the context, this could either be a Discount (arguing against something that was just said) or a Negative prediction (if not made in response to another opposing statement).

19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work. 
NOT a Yes-But: Because there's no "Yes," this is a Discount.

20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.
Yes-But

We hope you enjoyed this exercise! We intentionally made it tough to challenge your brain. If you have any questions or comments, please share them with us.