A Great Friendship Gone Bad

What communication problem made these two people grow apart?

As summer vacations come to a close, we're getting back to work on this blog with a new series of posts. If you've been following along, you know that our last series covered Yes-Buts. We're now moving on to a another kind of challenging communication behavior. Before we tell you what it is, we challenge you to figure that out for yourself. Read the case below and ask yourself, what is the primary issue that's causing problems in this situation?
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(This story comes from Ben’s personal experience, so he’ll narrate it directly.) 

It was a real loss for me to fall out of contact with Alan[1], but it was clear that was what he wanted.

When Alan and I first met at a conference in 2003, we hit it off instantly. We both did organizational coaching and consulting, and we found we had a lot to learn from one another. Over time, we developed a strong friendship and professional connection. Every month we spoke on the phone and coached each other on different cases we were working on. Whenever one of us was struggling with a difficult issue, in either our work or our personal life, we’d talk it through together and leave with insights and solutions we could never think up on our own. Overall, the relationship felt remarkably rewarding and supportive.

The turning point came about four years into our friendship. In one of our calls, Alan told me about an upsetting incident that had happened in a professional networking group he belonged to. Listening to his story made me angry; I thought he had been treated unfairly and deserved an apology. Feeling resentful on Alan’s behalf, I complained about the incident to another friend (Chris) who was a part of that same group. Chris then raised the issue with the group leader, and eventually word got back to Alan that I’d been talking about his experience.

Alan called me up, furious — and rightly so. He had talked to me in confidence and expected I would keep the discussion between us. I apologized profusely, but had the sense that it wasn’t good enough. Clearly Alan was still upset. I worried that he would never again feel able to trust me with anything personal. My fears were confirmed later that month. We had a date set for one of our mutual coaching sessions, and for the first time, Alan didn’t call. I sent him an email asking what had happened, but never heard back. I got the unspoken message: He didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

Over the next two years, my only contact with Alan was at the same annual conference where we had originally met. Although Alan wasn’t rude or hostile, he made no attempt to engage me in conversation. The first year, when I said “Hello,” he said “Hello” in reply, but then kept on walking. The second year, even though we participated in a small workshop together, we did nothing more than exchange a few pleasantries. By that point there was no doubt that Alan was still angry, and that I had little chance of restoring my friendship with him.

[1] Names and identifying details have been changed to preserve anonymity.
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Now we ask you, from the point of view of communication behavior, what is the primary issue disrupting Ben and Alan's friendship? We'll reveal the answer in our next post. (If you think you know it, don't give it away, but feel free to email us directly to check out your guess.) Stay tuned!