A Great Friendship Gone Bad: What Went Wrong?

In our last post, we told a true story about a communication breakdown between Ben and a close colleague (whom we’re calling Alan), and we challenged you to identify the specific behavior that caused all the trouble. Could you tell what it was?

You may have noticed that we didn’t include any dialogue in the story. That’s because in this case, the most influential communication was never stated out loud. Ben wanted to restore his relationship with Alan, and, as we’ll show later, he could have done that quite easily if he’d made the effort. He simply didn’t try—not because of what Alan had said to him, but because of what he kept saying to himself. He was convinced that he knew what was going on in Alan’s mind. Consider some of the comments he makes: “it was clear that was what he wanted”; “I got the unspoken message”; and “there was no doubt that Alan was still angry.” All of these are what we call “Mind-reads.” Without realizing it, Ben was allowing his Mind-reads to ruin his friendship.

Mind-Reads—Turning Friends into Fictions
When we Mind-read, we treat our assumptions about other people—what we imagine they’re thinking or feeling—as though they were facts. Mind-reads may be simple statements about a person’s psychological state (“Marilyn’s tired”; “Jim is still upset”; “You’re in a good mood today”); they may address relationships with us or with others (“I can tell my boss is disappointed in me”; “Bill clearly prefers working with Tom”; “Our neighbors have an unhappy marriage”); or they may deal with any number of other topics (“You didn’t enjoy that party”; “I know Jack wants a raise”; “He’d rather hire someone younger”; “They’re waiting for us to make the first move”; and so on).

Mind-reads get people into a lot of trouble. Have you ever talked to someone who seemed to think they could read your mind? This can be extremely irritating, particularly when the person implies that they know you better than you know yourself—“You don’t really mean that”; “You think you love her, but you’re just infatuated”; “You can’t admit to yourself that he was right.” The consequences of unspoken Mind-reads can be just as serious. We may start to talk and act in ways that are based more on imagination than on reality. Ben’s experience with Alan is a good example of that.

When we rely too heavily on Mind-reads, we are in a sense populating our world with imaginary friends—not to mention imaginary coworkers, bosses, spouses, children, and so forth. These individuals may bear a strong resemblance to the real people they’re based on, but important aspects of their personalities and emotional lives are created by our own minds. In the opening story, Alan became more and more of a fiction to Ben; the open-minded, compassionate person he knew appeared increasingly distant, closed off, and unforgiving. Mind-reads are not always so negative. Some people may seem more generous, intelligent, and likeable in our imagination than they would if we really got to know them. The problem is that whether wicked or wonderful, imaginary friends aren’t real.

As we continue this series of posts, we’ll take a close look at the various factors that lead to Mind-reads, as well as strategies we can use to counteract them.