Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 3: Avoidance of Direct Questions

We've been talking about Mind-reading as a common response to ambiguity, but of course, it’s not the only option. There’s one obvious alternative: ask the person what they’re thinking or feeling. Instead of speculating, just ask directly, “Are you irritated with me?” or “Are you disappointed about the decision we made?” If we all did that, and received honest answers, Mind-reading would cease to exist. But much of the time we don’t do it. There are a variety of reasons why.

• Lack of awareness. Mind-reading often happens automatically. Unaware that we’re making assumptions, we feel as though we’re directly perceiving something real—seeing a person’s boredom in her facial expression, or hearing the resentment in her voice. Why would we bother testing something that we (apparently) know to be true? We wouldn’t. And so we don’t.

• Lack of trust. If you don’t already have a strong, trusting relationship with somebody, asking a direct question about what they think or feel can be very risky. It’s impossible to know what kind of response you’ll get. You may or may not receive an honest answer. The person may appreciate your directness, or may end up feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or annoyed. Lack of trust tends to make any new work team, social group, or romantic relationship a rich breeding ground for Mind-reads. We’re also more likely to Mind-read if we distrust a person’s motives or integrity.
  
• Group norms. If you grew up in a family where Mind-reading was the norm, it might never occur to you to check out your assumptions about other people. Or, you might continue to Mind-read your relatives, even though you ask more direct questions with your friends. Most of us communicate a little differently in different contexts, responding to the dominant culture of each group or organization. In some organizations, it is commonplace for people to ask their coworkers, direct reports, and supervisors frank questions about their thoughts and feelings on various work-related issues. In other organizations, such open questioning (particularly if directed toward a superior in the hierarchy) may seem shockingly out of place.
  
• Active discouragement. Sometimes people actively discourage us from asking about their thoughts and feelings. In fact, they might even demand that we Mind-read them. Of course, they don’t specifically tell us to Mind-read; rather, they tell us to be more perceptive, or more empathetic. A boss might say, “You need to anticipate what I want” or “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I’m thinking.” A partner or spouse might say, “If you really loved me, you’d know why I got angry.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with paying closer attention and noticing patterns in what others say and do. We can certainly get better at anticipating people’s responses. For instance, you might learn that when your wife makes a particular facial expression, it usually means she’s upset; or that when your boss says, “That’s one way to look at things,” it usually means he strongly disagrees with an idea. However, there are always limits to what you can know. As you get more and more specific—making the leap from she’s upset to she’s angry to she’s angry with me to she’s angry with me because I left dirty dishes in the sink—you’re less and less likely to be accurate.

Think about your own life and work. Are there particular contexts or relationships where it seems easier, more natural, or more appropriate to Mind-read than to ask a direct question?