Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 2: Personal Bias

In the last post, we discussed how ambiguity often leads to Mind-reading. That's just the first part of the story. The next question is, once we’re faced with an ambiguous message, what tools do we use to interpret it? How do we fill in the blanks? In the case of Mind-reading, we rely on what we already know—or think we know—which may or may not be relevant to the current situation. The information we draw on may include:

• Personal tendencies. When we’re trying to understand how others think, feel, and act, the most obvious guides we have are our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Suppose one of your coworkers recently dropped her only child off at college. If you’ve previously experienced “empty-nest syndrome,” you might think, “That must be hard for her. I’m sure she’s lonely.” If you had a different experience, you might think, “I’m sure she’s relieved to have more time to herself.” Our own tendencies can easily lead us to misinterpret other people’s behavior. For instance, if you usually write fairly chatty emails and only send brief, impersonal messages when you’re annoyed, you might assume that someone who sends you a terse email is feeling annoyed with you. It’s possible that you’re right, but just as likely that you’re completely wrong.
  
• Worries and fears. A good example of this occurred recently when we were leading a new training for the first time. The presentation included relatively long lectures, with fewer breaks for interactive exercises than we usually give. We weren’t sure how successful that format would be. Amy in particular was worried that people might get bored or overwhelmed trying to take in so much information all at once. When she saw one person fidgeting and shifting in his seat, she was certain that her fears were justified—this man’s mind was drifting because she’d been talking for too long. As it turns out, Amy was right about the distraction but totally wrong about the cause. This man had a serious leg injury that made it painful for him to remain sitting. He didn’t need the lectures to be shorter; he just needed to be able to stand up from time to time. And when we asked the whole group to critique our new training format, we received nothing but compliments about the lectures.
  
• Hearsay and rumors. Mind-reads can be contagious. If you hear from other people that your new neighbor is snobbish, that idea may color all the interactions you have with him. When he turns down your invitation to a cookout, you might assume it’s because he feels superior to you or would rather do something more exciting (rather than because he’s shy, has strict dietary restrictions, or has a previous commitment for that day). If you have a tendency to talk openly about other people’s intentions, be careful about spreading Mind-reads (for instance, the new salesman is trying to kiss up to the boss; Alison is afraid of commitment; or Frank is prejudiced against female leaders). Your Mind-read of someone may become that person’s reputation—and reputations are very hard to shake.
  
• Past experience with the person. Established knowledge about a person—including what they’ve told you previously about their thoughts and feelings—is one of the more reliable sources of information. It’s far from perfect, however. Do you ever change your opinion on an issue, or start to feel differently about someone or something over time? We’ll bet you do. Other people do too. The more time goes by, the greater the possibility that what you used to know about somebody is no longer true.
  
• Past experience with other people. We may also try to understand people by comparing them to others we’ve known in the past: “She’s just like my sister—she says she agrees with me when it’s obvious she doesn’t” or “I know the type; he only feels motivated when there’s a crisis.” As with any other Mind-reads, these speculations will sometimes be accurate, and sometimes inaccurate. What they certainly are not is reliable.