Where Do Mind-reads Come From?

Continuing our series on Mind-reads, we consider various factors that lead us to use this type of communication.

Typically, we don’t go around making random assumptions about other people’s thoughts and feelings; there are reasons behind our Mind-reads. The problem is, those reasons may have little or no connection to what’s really going on. Mind-reading tends to be driven by ambiguity, shaped by personal bias, and supported by a avoidance of direct questions. In this post, we'll take a close look at the first of these factors.

Ambiguity
Mind-reads feed on ambiguity. When a person says or does something that is open to multiple interpretations, we jump to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. This often happens automatically, outside our awareness. We don’t consciously reason, “Alex is looking out the window, which could mean that he’s bored”; we just think, “Alex is bored.” Ambiguity creeps into communication in several different ways:

• Silence. What does it mean when you ask a question and get no answer? Is the other person confused? Irritated? Afraid of saying the wrong thing? What about when you get no response to an opinion, suggestion, joke, or personal story? Or when someone fails to reply to email or voicemail messages? It’s possible to read just about anything into silence. Suppose the leader of a meeting makes a proposal and nobody responds. One person might assume this means that everyone agrees. Another might assume that everyone disagrees, but is afraid to raise an objection. Someone else might conclude that no one really understood the proposal. We make these sorts of interpretations all the time, labeling silence at different times as tacit support, patient listening, apathy, stonewalling, defiance, and so on. In the story that started this series, Ben interpreted Alan’s silence as an expression of lingering anger.
  
• Vagueness. Sometimes words can be just as ambiguous as silence. When a colleague says that your latest presentation was “interesting,” does that mean he found it fascinating and thought-provoking, or confusing and bizarre? When your friend calls your new shoes “very unusual,” does she like them or does she hate them? These vague comments fuel speculations about what the person really thinks. It’s easy to slip into either a positive Mind-read (“He was really impressed by my presentation”) or a negative one (“She hates my shoes but doesn’t want to tell me directly”).
  
• Body language. Not all communication is verbal. Aspects of our body language—including posture, gestures, facial expression, and eye movements—can carry just as much information as the words we use. Unfortunately, that information isn’t always clear or consistent with the message we’re trying to send. One woman we trained (call her Jen) was surprised to learn that her body language could make her appear judgmental. This became clear when she was acting as a mentor in an educational program. A woman Jen was mentoring said she felt uncomfortable talking to her about challenging personal issues, because she believed Jen was judging her and judging what she said. It turned out that when Jen was listening to her mentee, she furrowed her eyebrows and squinted a little. To this woman, that expression conveyed a critical, judging attitude. In reality, it was something that happened unconsciously whenever Jen listened intently to anyone. (Jen does her best to avoid doing that now to prevent others from developing similar Mind-reads.)

• Absence of voice tone. Voice tone is a powerful force in communication. In fact, the tone we use often has a greater impact on a conversation than the words we say. There’s a world of difference between the neutral remark “Remember that the meeting starts at 10” and the same words spoken with a snide or accusatory tone. However, in a written format like email, both comments may look exactly the same. As a result, the sender’s friendly reminder may be received as an attack or a sarcastic jab. While email may be a great convenience, the ambiguity it creates can easily lead to misunderstandings. The same risks apply to text messaging and any other forms of electronic media that don’t communicate voice tone.