Mind-Reading Transformation Skill Continued

Step 2: Action—Get a Reality Check
No matter how much insight and awareness you gain about your mind-reads, there’s a limit to what you can do on your own. There’s only one person who knows with certainty whether your assumption is true or false: the person you’re mind-reading. To find that out, you need to ask the person directly.

Of course, asking a direct question doesn’t guarantee an honest answer. That’s one of the most common reasons why people don’t check out their mind-reads: they don’t believe they’ll get the truth. Fortunately, there are several ways to significantly improve the odds of getting a truthful response.

Keep the focus on yourself, not on the other person. Say you have a mind-read that an employee who agreed to take on a particular project is now regretting that decision. It may be tempting to explain all the reasons why you think that: “You didn’t respond to my last email about the project. You’ve told me several times that it’s become more complicated than you expected. You cancelled our last scheduled meeting.” Those kinds of comments can easily make the employee feel defensive. Instead, limit yourself to expressing your own thoughts and feelings: “I’m worried that you regret taking on this project” or “I’m thinking that you might be having second thoughts about this assignment.”

Keep it simple. Giving too much background will only complicate the issue and confuse the other person. Don’t ramble—“I wasn’t sure about giving you the project, it’s kind of complicated, maybe it’s too much, sometimes I lose track of people’s workloads…” Just state your mind-read and move on.

Express your openness. Make it clear that you want to hear the truth, whatever that may be. It may help to explain why you want to know (again, keeping your comments brief). For instance, you might explain, “I want to make sure I’m distributing work in a way that makes sense. If this isn’t a good fit, that’s important information for me.

Provide reassurance. In some situations, the other person may feel it’s risky to tell you something you don’t want to hear. It can help to reassure the person that if they do give a difficult answer, you’ll understand, and you won’t punish or judge them for it. For example, you could say, “In your shoes, I’d probably be having some second thoughts” or “Your answer won’t affect my performance evaluation.”

Ask a narrow question. The basic question you want answered is whether your mind-read is true. There are only two possible answers: Yes or No. Be sure to frame your question narrowly—“Am I right?”, “Is this true?”, or “Are you feeling that way?”—so the person can give a Yes or No response. If you ask broad questions like “What’s happening for you?” or “What are your thoughts?” you may not get the information you’re looking for.

You can mix and match the various strategies described above, depending on the context, the person you’re talking to, the subject you’re talking about, and your own personal preferences. Often you can be very brief: “I’m thinking you’d rather go out to eat than stay home and cook. Is that true?” At other times you’ll want to give more information. Here are a few different examples of what checking out a mind-read might sound like:

Talking to a doctor:

• I’m concerned that you may be reluctant to give me the full picture of my prognosis. (Giving your thought/feeling)
• It’s important to me to understand exactly what I’m facing, even if it’s unpleasant or scary. (Expressing openness)
• Are you holding back at all in what you’re telling me? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a child:

• I’m thinking you might be feeling jealous about all the attention your little brother has been getting. (Giving your thought) 
• I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did—it’s a natural way to feel right now. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel jealous of him sometimes? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a coworker:

• Sometimes I think that when I play music in the office, it bothers you. (Giving your thought) 
•  Is that true? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a spouse:

• I’m worried that since you found out more about my past, it’s difficult for you to trust me. (Giving your thought/feeling) 
• If that’s true, I really want to know so we can work through this together. (Expressing openness)
• If our roles were reversed, I’d probably find it hard to trust you. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel that way? (Asking a narrow question)

Here's how this strategy helped to resolve the situation we described in the first post in this series:

After three years of living with his mind-read of Alan, Ben worked up the courage to test it. At the next conference he invited Alan to lunch, where they could have some quiet time to talk privately. Ben started the conversation by saying, “I want to see if we can clear the air a little. Ever since we had the conflict over the confidence I violated, I’ve had the feeling you’re still mad at me. I really screwed up, and I’d understand if you were still upset. Are you?”

Alan looked confused. “No, I’m not mad at you,” he said. “What confidence did you violate?” He couldn’t even remember the conflict. When Ben reminded him, Alan explained that as soon as they’d talked it through, the issue was over for him. Then he revealed his own mind-read: “I thought you were upset with me for missing one of our coaching sessions.” Apparently he had responded to Ben’s email with an apology and an attempt to reschedule, and when he got no response (because Ben never saw the message), he assumed Ben was angry. Following those misunderstandings, both men were both a little awkward and cautious around each other—which each of them interpreted as evidence that the other person was holding a grudge.

In this situation, the benefits of checking a mind-read are obvious: Ben received full reassurance and was able to restore his relationship with a close friend. But even when the truth is hard to hear, it usually brings some sense of relief. Although the reality may be upsetting, disappointing, or sad, it dispels the anxiety and uncertainty of not knowing. It also gives you data that can help you make more informed decisions—whether it’s about reassigning a project, calling up an old friend, revising your health care plan, turning down your music, or going into couple’s counseling.