Once you start looking for Mind-reads, they’re not hard to spot when they come up in conversation. Someone might tell you, “It’s obvious that you’re bored” or “I know you think this is a reckless idea.” More difficult to detect are mind-reads that go unspoken. One indication that someone may be mind-reading you is that they behave in ways that don’t make sense to you. For instance, if they start acting apologetic or defensive and you don’t know why, they may think that you’re angry or judging them in some way. Or if they ask you repeated, probing questions—such as “Are you sure you’re okay?” or “Are you sure you don’t mind?”—they may think there’s something specific that you’re not saying. Of course, as we emphasized in the last post, you can’t know for sure what somebody is thinking (including whether they have a mind-read) without asking them directly. You could say, “I’m worried that you think I don’t like your idea” or “I get a sense that you don’t believe me when I say I don’t mind,” followed by a narrow question: “Is that true?” Once a mind-read is out in the open, you have a chance to respond to it directly.
Step 2: Action—Clarify, Clarify, Clarify
Since mind-reads thrive on ambiguity, one of the most effective countermeasures is clarity. When someone has a mind-read of you, there are three important pieces of information to clarify: what the mind-read is, where it’s coming from, and whether it’s true or false.
Content of the mind-read. First you need to get clear on the exact content of the mind-read. A good way to do this is to use a paraphrase, followed by a narrow question. For instance, say your manager tells you he’s reassigning a particular project because it’s clear that you regret taking it on. You might say, “It sounds like you got the impression that I regret ever taking on this project. Is that right?” In a personal context, suppose a friend says she doesn’t enjoy going out with you because you judge everything she does. You could say, “I’m hearing that it feels like I judge everything you do. Is that right?”
This specific type of phrasing—the paraphrase plus a narrow question—simultaneously accomplishes two goals: ensuring that you understood what the other person said, and showing the person that you were really listening.
Origin of the mind-read. The next step is finding out what’s driving the person’s assumption. Even the most far-fetched mind-reads come from somewhere. Ask, “What have I done that gives you that impression?” or “What do I do that makes you feel that way?” Make sure it’s a real question and not an accusation (“What on earth gave you that idea?!”). The person’s answer will give you important information about the kind of impact your words and actions are having—at least on one individual. In the case of the work assignment, your manager might mention that you complained several times about your frustration with the project. In the personal discussion, your friend might remind you of critical comments you made about men she met in bars.
Accuracy of the mind-read. The final step is the moment of truth (literally). Is the mind-read true? Is it false? Is there just one part of it that’s true? Don’t automatically jump to an answer: “Of course I’d never regret a work opportunity” or “Of course I’d never judge you.” Take a little time to consider the issue, and then answer honestly. Some mind-reads are bound to be off-target. You might tell your manager, “I don’t regret taking on the project, but I can see why it came across that way.” Others have some truth to them. You might tell your friend, “You’re right. I do sometimes have judgments about what you do. I don’t judge everything, but I have strong opinions about your relationships with men.” By stating the reality, whatever it is, you help the other person to make better decisions. Your manager may or may not change your work assignment, and your friend may or may not want to go out to bars with you. Either way, they make an informed choice.
Becoming Less of a Mind-Read Target
Do you find that many people have mind-reads about you? You may unknowingly be doing things that encourage them to make these assumptions. Here are a few ways to make yourself less of a mind-read target.
Don’t:
- React defensively when someone expresses a mind-read to you
- Criticize people for not knowing what you’re thinking
- Communicate about potentially touchy subjects by email or text message
- Leave unexplained silences that could lead to misunderstandings
- Make vague comments on important or sensitive topics
- Check out your own mind-reads
- Encourage people to ask you directly if they’re wondering what you’re thinking or feeling
- Give honest answers to questions about your thoughts and feelings
- Ask if there’s anything you tend to do or say that leads to mind-reads
- Tell people about your communication style (for instance, explaining what it usually means when you’re silent in a meeting or terse on the phone)
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