The Polite Fight, Part 1

We’re excited to begin a new series of posts focused on one of the most common problematic communication patterns: the Polite Fight. Again, we’re drawing from the content of our book-in-progress. We hope you’ll enjoy it! And as always, we welcome your feedback, both positive and negative, to help us make this blog — and the book — the best they can be.
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“Rob and Amanda Parker* were very loving people,” psychologist Mark Johnson told us. “They weren’t at each other’s throats like many of the couples that I see. And yet they just couldn’t find a constructive way to discuss the problems that were tearing them apart.”

The past few years had been extremely stressful for the Parkers. Rob and Amanda had two healthy daughters (aged 5 and 7) but had always wanted a larger family, and their attempts to have a third child had ended in disappointment. Over the course of three years trying to conceive — including many aggressive and invasive fertility treatments — they had exhausted all possible options. Now, in addition to their grief, they were also struggling with the loss of romance in their marriage. Years of scheduling their sex life around temperature charts and surgical procedures had robbed them of any sense of spontaneity.

Ten months after their doctors had called an end to the fertility treatments, Rob and Amanda’s relationship was growing more and more strained. This was easy to see when Dr. Johnson had them recreate one of their typical tough conversations. They’d been having this same “polite fight” on a regular basis:

Rob: We used to make time to be together.
Amanda: But that was before we had kids and jobs and bills to pay.
Rob: Of course, I know that. I’m not expecting us to be acting like we’re dating.
Amanda: You say that, but you act like that’s how I’m supposed to feel.
Rob: Don’t you ever feel like you felt when we first got together?
Amanda: Of course, but you expect me to be ready for romance all the time, and that’s just not realistic.
Rob: I’m not trying to pressure you. It’s just that I’m feeling this distance between us that I don’t know how to handle.
Amanda: I feel distance too, but I don’t think you understand how I’m feeling about not having a third child.
Rob: Don’t you realize I’m upset by this too? We’ve been in this together all along.
Amanda: I know, but I don’t think you know how this affects me. You expect me just to be over it.
Rob: I don’t expect you to be over it, but that was almost a year ago.
Amanda: I know it was almost a year ago, but we don’t even talk about it anymore. You act like it’s all in the past, and I think about it every day…


Listening to this conversation, Dr. Johnson recognized a familiar set of issues that arise for many couples. He refers to conflicts over romance and intimacy — often connected with the process of building a family — as the “common cold” of his counseling practice. But he also understood that issues alone don’t cause conversations to fail. He knew enough to look beyond the issues and the personalities to see the specific communication behaviors that Rob and Amanda were using. From this perspective, it quickly became obvious why they were having so much trouble. They had fallen victim to one of the most common conversation killers: the Yes-But.

Communication Challenge #1: Yes-But — The Great Divider
Although Rob and Amanda were saying different things, they were saying them in the same, unconstructive way. Almost every statement either of them made was a Yes-But — a superficial, token agreement (“I know…” or “I don’t expect you to be over it” )followed immediately by a different idea (“but I don’t think you know how this affects me,” “but that was almost a year ago”). We’ve all experienced the frustrating effects of Yes-Buts — whether they come from a child (“But Mom said I could go!”), a friend (“The movies could be fun, but I’d rather see a play”), or a supervisor (“That’s a great idea, but it’s not in our budget”). People don’t necessarily notice when they’re being Yes-Butted; they often just get annoyed without knowing exactly why. When we look at what Yes-Buts do to a conversation, it’s no wonder they set us on edge and get arguments going.

The Problems with Yes-Buts:
1. Yes-Buts send a mixed message. Often people Yes-But with the best of intentions, hoping to be diplomatic or make unpleasant news easier to hear. Disagreeing with someone directly (saying “I see things differently” or “I’m not willing to do that”) may seem too harsh or too negative. It might sound more polite to say, “I can see how you’d feel that way, but…” The problem is that when they do this, they’re giving two conflicting messages at the same time. They’re saying both Yes and No, “It’s good” and “It’s bad,” or “I’m with you” and “I’m against you.” This doesn’t make their message nicer or more pleasant. It just makes it more complicated and harder for the other person’s brain to process. Whenever someone gives us a mixed message, it’s almost impossible to hear both sides equally. As a result, we end up focusing on one side or the other — which leads us to Problem #2.

2. People hear only the “But.” If only half of a Yes-But message gets through, which half do you think it will be? When Amanda Yes-Buts Rob, will he be struck by what they have in common (“I feel distance too…”) or what seems to divide them (“…but I don’t think you understand how I’m feeling about not having a third child”)? In almost every case, what grabs people’s attention is the disagreement: whatever comes after the But. It’s human nature to notice differences rather than similarities. As a result, the Yes part of the message — the part that shows some agreement, understanding, or common ground — simply gets lost.

3. Any difference can become a conflict. Yes-Buts don’t just heighten existing disagreements; they can actually create new ones. Consider what happened with Rob and Amanda. They were talking about two separate issues: 1) wanting more closeness and 2) grief over not being able to have another child. There’s no essential conflict there. You can want closeness and still feel grief, or at least acknowledge that both of these experiences are valid and important. However, as the couple kept Yes-Butting, it started to seem as though one of them had to be right while the other one was wrong. Since neither person wanted to be wrong (who does?), they naturally kept arguing and the conflict kept escalating.

Yes-Butting is one of the most reliable ways to get an argument going, whether you’re speaking with just one other person or with a group. If the people you’re talking to are in the least bit competitive, they’re likely to respond with Yes-Buts of their own. Before you know it, you can find yourself caught up in an endless ping-pong match of competing ideas. Yes-But communication is one of the leading causes of unproductive business meetings. Instead of working collaboratively to make decisions or solve problems, people spend their time arguing:

“We need to invest in better technology.”
“Yes, but we don’t have the money for that.”
“Of course there will be short-term costs, but over the long run we’ll save money by being more efficient.”
“That may be true, but we can’t justify another expenditure right now.”
“I know, but if we wait for the perfect situation we’ll never move forward on this.”
…and so on and so on.

As the conversation continues, the two sides typically become more and more rigid and polarized, to the point where it seems like they have nothing in common.

While these sorts of “polite fights” are relatively civil compared to more heated arguments filled with insults, labeling, and accusations, they are equally ineffective for resolving conflicts. Furthermore, a polite fight can easily escalate into something more serious. Getting stuck in a back-and-forth debate that never gets resolved is extremely frustrating. If it goes on for long enough, at some point people will probably start venting that frustration at one another, raising their voices and blaming each other for the problems they’re facing.

In the next post, we’ll start teaching you strategies to deal more effectively with Yes-Buts in your own conversations. Stay tuned!

*Names and identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity.