Twelve Tell-Tale Signs of Mind-Reading

Twelve Tell-Tale Signs of Mind-reading
Here are a few indications that your relationship with a particular person may be based more on mind-reads than on reality:

1. You spend more time talking to this person in your head than having real conversations with them.
2. You spend more time talking about this person to other people than talking to them directly.
3. It’s not what the person says, but what they don’t say that affects you the most.
4. You often find yourself wondering what they think of you.
5. You read a lot of meaning into their facial expressions or voice tone.
6. You think this person is not telling you the whole truth.
7. You don’t feel comfortable telling them the whole truth.
8. You feel bad after talking to this person, and you can’t tell why.
9. There are many comments that bother you coming from them, but that wouldn’t bother you if they came from anybody else.
10. This person seems to think and react in exactly the same way as someone else you know or once knew.
11. You think you often know what they’re going through better than they do.
12. You have the impression that they haven’t changed at all in a very long time—or that they’ve changed dramatically all of a sudden.

If more than two or three of these statements sound accurate, there’s a good chance that the relationship you’re thinking of is heavily influenced by mind-reads.

Mind-Reading Response Skill: What to Do When Someone Else Mind-reads You

Step 1: Awareness
Once you start looking for Mind-reads, they’re not hard to spot when they come up in conversation. Someone might tell you, “It’s obvious that you’re bored” or “I know you think this is a reckless idea.” More difficult to detect are mind-reads that go unspoken. One indication that someone may be mind-reading you is that they behave in ways that don’t make sense to you. For instance, if they start acting apologetic or defensive and you don’t know why, they may think that you’re angry or judging them in some way. Or if they ask you repeated, probing questions—such as “Are you sure you’re okay?” or “Are you sure you don’t mind?”—they may think there’s something specific that you’re not saying. Of course, as we emphasized in the last post, you can’t know for sure what somebody is thinking (including whether they have a mind-read) without asking them directly. You could say, “I’m worried that you think I don’t like your idea” or “I get a sense that you don’t believe me when I say I don’t mind,” followed by a narrow question: “Is that true?” Once a mind-read is out in the open, you have a chance to respond to it directly.

Step 2: Action—Clarify, Clarify, Clarify
Since mind-reads thrive on ambiguity, one of the most effective countermeasures is clarity. When someone has a mind-read of you, there are three important pieces of information to clarify: what the mind-read is, where it’s coming from, and whether it’s true or false.

Content of the mind-read. First you need to get clear on the exact content of the mind-read. A good way to do this is to use a paraphrase, followed by a narrow question. For instance, say your manager tells you he’s reassigning a particular project because it’s clear that you regret taking it on. You might say, “It sounds like you got the impression that I regret ever taking on this project. Is that right?” In a personal context, suppose a friend says she doesn’t enjoy going out with you because you judge everything she does. You could say, “I’m hearing that it feels like I judge everything you do. Is that right?” 

This specific type of phrasing—the paraphrase plus a narrow question—simultaneously accomplishes two goals: ensuring that you understood what the other person said, and showing the person that you were really listening.

Origin of the mind-read. The next step is finding out what’s driving the person’s assumption. Even the most far-fetched mind-reads come from somewhere. Ask, “What have I done that gives you that impression?” or “What do I do that makes you feel that way?” Make sure it’s a real question and not an accusation (“What on earth gave you that idea?!”). The person’s answer will give you important information about the kind of impact your words and actions are having—at least on one individual. In the case of the work assignment, your manager might mention that you complained several times about your frustration with the project. In the personal discussion, your friend might remind you of critical comments you made about men she met in bars.


Accuracy of the mind-read. The final step is the moment of truth (literally). Is the mind-read true? Is it false? Is there just one part of it that’s true? Don’t automatically jump to an answer: “Of course I’d never regret a work opportunity” or “Of course I’d never judge you.” Take a little time to consider the issue, and then answer honestly. Some mind-reads are bound to be off-target. You might tell your manager, “I don’t regret taking on the project, but I can see why it came across that way.” Others have some truth to them. You might tell your friend, “You’re right. I do sometimes have judgments about what you do. I don’t judge everything, but I have strong opinions about your relationships with men.” By stating the reality, whatever it is, you help the other person to make better decisions. Your manager may or may not change your work assignment, and your friend may or may not want to go out to bars with you. Either way, they make an informed choice. 

Becoming Less of a Mind-Read Target
Do you find that many people have mind-reads about you? You may unknowingly be doing things that encourage them to make these assumptions. Here are a few ways to make yourself less of a mind-read target.

Don’t:

• React defensively when someone expresses a mind-read to you
• Criticize people for not knowing what you’re thinking
• Communicate about potentially touchy subjects by email or text message
• Leave unexplained silences that could lead to misunderstandings
• Make vague comments on important or sensitive topics

Do:

• Check out your own mind-reads
• Encourage people to ask you directly if they’re wondering what you’re thinking or feeling
• Give honest answers to questions about your thoughts and feelings
• Ask if there’s anything you tend to do or say that leads to mind-reads
• Tell people about your communication style (for instance, explaining what it usually means when you’re silent in a meeting or terse on the phone)

Mind-Reading Transformation Skill Continued

Step 2: Action—Get a Reality Check
No matter how much insight and awareness you gain about your mind-reads, there’s a limit to what you can do on your own. There’s only one person who knows with certainty whether your assumption is true or false: the person you’re mind-reading. To find that out, you need to ask the person directly.

Of course, asking a direct question doesn’t guarantee an honest answer. That’s one of the most common reasons why people don’t check out their mind-reads: they don’t believe they’ll get the truth. Fortunately, there are several ways to significantly improve the odds of getting a truthful response.

Keep the focus on yourself, not on the other person. Say you have a mind-read that an employee who agreed to take on a particular project is now regretting that decision. It may be tempting to explain all the reasons why you think that: “You didn’t respond to my last email about the project. You’ve told me several times that it’s become more complicated than you expected. You cancelled our last scheduled meeting.” Those kinds of comments can easily make the employee feel defensive. Instead, limit yourself to expressing your own thoughts and feelings: “I’m worried that you regret taking on this project” or “I’m thinking that you might be having second thoughts about this assignment.”

Keep it simple. Giving too much background will only complicate the issue and confuse the other person. Don’t ramble—“I wasn’t sure about giving you the project, it’s kind of complicated, maybe it’s too much, sometimes I lose track of people’s workloads…” Just state your mind-read and move on.

Express your openness. Make it clear that you want to hear the truth, whatever that may be. It may help to explain why you want to know (again, keeping your comments brief). For instance, you might explain, “I want to make sure I’m distributing work in a way that makes sense. If this isn’t a good fit, that’s important information for me.

Provide reassurance. In some situations, the other person may feel it’s risky to tell you something you don’t want to hear. It can help to reassure the person that if they do give a difficult answer, you’ll understand, and you won’t punish or judge them for it. For example, you could say, “In your shoes, I’d probably be having some second thoughts” or “Your answer won’t affect my performance evaluation.”

Ask a narrow question. The basic question you want answered is whether your mind-read is true. There are only two possible answers: Yes or No. Be sure to frame your question narrowly—“Am I right?”, “Is this true?”, or “Are you feeling that way?”—so the person can give a Yes or No response. If you ask broad questions like “What’s happening for you?” or “What are your thoughts?” you may not get the information you’re looking for.

You can mix and match the various strategies described above, depending on the context, the person you’re talking to, the subject you’re talking about, and your own personal preferences. Often you can be very brief: “I’m thinking you’d rather go out to eat than stay home and cook. Is that true?” At other times you’ll want to give more information. Here are a few different examples of what checking out a mind-read might sound like:

Talking to a doctor:

• I’m concerned that you may be reluctant to give me the full picture of my prognosis. (Giving your thought/feeling)
• It’s important to me to understand exactly what I’m facing, even if it’s unpleasant or scary. (Expressing openness)
• Are you holding back at all in what you’re telling me? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a child:

• I’m thinking you might be feeling jealous about all the attention your little brother has been getting. (Giving your thought) 
• I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did—it’s a natural way to feel right now. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel jealous of him sometimes? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a coworker:

• Sometimes I think that when I play music in the office, it bothers you. (Giving your thought) 
•  Is that true? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a spouse:

• I’m worried that since you found out more about my past, it’s difficult for you to trust me. (Giving your thought/feeling) 
• If that’s true, I really want to know so we can work through this together. (Expressing openness)
• If our roles were reversed, I’d probably find it hard to trust you. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel that way? (Asking a narrow question)

Here's how this strategy helped to resolve the situation we described in the first post in this series:

After three years of living with his mind-read of Alan, Ben worked up the courage to test it. At the next conference he invited Alan to lunch, where they could have some quiet time to talk privately. Ben started the conversation by saying, “I want to see if we can clear the air a little. Ever since we had the conflict over the confidence I violated, I’ve had the feeling you’re still mad at me. I really screwed up, and I’d understand if you were still upset. Are you?”

Alan looked confused. “No, I’m not mad at you,” he said. “What confidence did you violate?” He couldn’t even remember the conflict. When Ben reminded him, Alan explained that as soon as they’d talked it through, the issue was over for him. Then he revealed his own mind-read: “I thought you were upset with me for missing one of our coaching sessions.” Apparently he had responded to Ben’s email with an apology and an attempt to reschedule, and when he got no response (because Ben never saw the message), he assumed Ben was angry. Following those misunderstandings, both men were both a little awkward and cautious around each other—which each of them interpreted as evidence that the other person was holding a grudge.

In this situation, the benefits of checking a mind-read are obvious: Ben received full reassurance and was able to restore his relationship with a close friend. But even when the truth is hard to hear, it usually brings some sense of relief. Although the reality may be upsetting, disappointing, or sad, it dispels the anxiety and uncertainty of not knowing. It also gives you data that can help you make more informed decisions—whether it’s about reassigning a project, calling up an old friend, revising your health care plan, turning down your music, or going into couple’s counseling.

Building Your Fitness with Mind-Reads

Mind-reading affects all of our lives to a certain degree, and at times the consequences can be tragic. It’s not uncommon for Mind-reads to ruin friendships, end marriages, and create miserable work environments, as well as leading to a lot of bad decisions. If an inaccurate Mind-read never gets questioned, it may endure for years. We may live our entire lives with false, and sometimes painful beliefs about what the people around us think or feel. Consider the impact of believing “My father still hasn’t forgiven me for selling the family business,” “The tenured faculty have always looked down on me,” or “My wife regrets marrying me rather than the man she was engaged to when I met her.”

While we can’t completely eliminate Mind-reads—we’re bound to make some assumptions about other people, and others are bound to make some assumptions about us—we can go a long way in limiting their negative effects. In this and subsequent posts, you’ll learn not only how to counteract your own Mind-reads, but also how to become less of a target for other people’s Mind-reads and how to coach others to challenge their assumptions.

Transformation Skill: Trading Mind-Reads for Reality
In our experience, the communication behavior we discussed in the previous set of posts—Yes-But—is relatively well known. When people enter our trainings, they usually have some familiarity with Yes-Buts, even if they can’t always identify them in conversation. In contrast, the concept of Mind-reading often comes as a new revelation. One reason for this is that Mind-reads tend to keep a low profile. Many of them are never spoken out loud, so they influence our communication in more subtle ways. Another contributing factor is an issue we mentioned earlier—our Mind-reads often seem like facts to us. We may even view them as evidence of our keen perception or intuition about other people.

As a result, the odds are good that you’ve never before considered Mind-reads to be a problem for you. Before you heard about them in this blog, you may never have heard the term “Mind-read” or had any occasion to seriously question the assumptions you make about other people. If you do have a strong tendency to Mind-read, it’s important to realize that. For you, the strategies in this section may hold the key for bringing positive change to many aspects of your life.

Step 1: Self-awareness
When it comes to Mind-reads, a little self-awareness can make a big difference. Simply by seeing a Mind-read for what it is—your own assumption rather than reality—you instantly begin to diffuse its power. The first step is to start noticing the beliefs you have about other people’s thoughts and feelings, and then ask yourself where those beliefs are coming from. Are they are grounded firmly in reality, or are they based on gossip, hearsay, or your own worries or speculations? If you believe your boss is disappointed with you, is it because he said that in your performance evaluation, or because of the expression on his face the last time you talked? If you’re sure your son doesn’t want to come home for the holidays, did you hear that directly from him? Did someone else in the family tell you? Or did you jump to that conclusion because he hasn’t bought his plane ticket yet?

After you’ve recognized that your belief about someone is a Mind-read, the next step is to acknowledge what that means: you might be wrong. This may not be easy. It’s difficult for any of us to let go of long-held beliefs about the people in our lives—whether they’re about a business rival’s true intentions, a colleague’s hidden agenda, a child’s unspoken feelings, or a parent’s silent regrets. Challenge yourself to admit the possibility that your assumptions could be inaccurate.

There’s one final step in building your awareness. You haven’t fully understood a Mind-read until you’ve examined the effects it has on you. What is the impact of having that particular Mind-read, without knowing for certain whether it’s true or false? You might consider how it affects your view of the other person, your relationship with that person, your view of yourself, your future actions, and so on. Then ask yourself about the impact of testing your Mind-read against reality. What would it be like to learn that the assumption you’ve been making is true? What would it be like to learn that it’s false?

As you consider the impact of different Mind-reads, you’ll likely discover that some don’t affect you very strongly. For instance, you might believe that your colleague is a little bored with her boyfriend, that your real estate agent would rather be a gardener, or that your neighbor doesn’t really like your dog. You’re not losing any sleep over these issues. In cases like this, where discovering the truth wouldn’t make much difference to you, you might just want to notice that your assumptions may or may not be true.

Other Mind-reads have far more serious implications. You might worry that your new boss thinks you’re not qualified for your job, that your spouse is considering leaving you, or that your friend is feeling suicidal and too ashamed to tell you. In these situations, you have compelling reasons to discover the truth—to potentially save your job, your marriage, or your friend, as well as to recover your own peace of mind. To do this, you need to move on to Step 2: reality checking. Stay tuned!

Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 3: Avoidance of Direct Questions

We've been talking about Mind-reading as a common response to ambiguity, but of course, it’s not the only option. There’s one obvious alternative: ask the person what they’re thinking or feeling. Instead of speculating, just ask directly, “Are you irritated with me?” or “Are you disappointed about the decision we made?” If we all did that, and received honest answers, Mind-reading would cease to exist. But much of the time we don’t do it. There are a variety of reasons why.

• Lack of awareness. Mind-reading often happens automatically. Unaware that we’re making assumptions, we feel as though we’re directly perceiving something real—seeing a person’s boredom in her facial expression, or hearing the resentment in her voice. Why would we bother testing something that we (apparently) know to be true? We wouldn’t. And so we don’t.

• Lack of trust. If you don’t already have a strong, trusting relationship with somebody, asking a direct question about what they think or feel can be very risky. It’s impossible to know what kind of response you’ll get. You may or may not receive an honest answer. The person may appreciate your directness, or may end up feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or annoyed. Lack of trust tends to make any new work team, social group, or romantic relationship a rich breeding ground for Mind-reads. We’re also more likely to Mind-read if we distrust a person’s motives or integrity.
  
• Group norms. If you grew up in a family where Mind-reading was the norm, it might never occur to you to check out your assumptions about other people. Or, you might continue to Mind-read your relatives, even though you ask more direct questions with your friends. Most of us communicate a little differently in different contexts, responding to the dominant culture of each group or organization. In some organizations, it is commonplace for people to ask their coworkers, direct reports, and supervisors frank questions about their thoughts and feelings on various work-related issues. In other organizations, such open questioning (particularly if directed toward a superior in the hierarchy) may seem shockingly out of place.
  
• Active discouragement. Sometimes people actively discourage us from asking about their thoughts and feelings. In fact, they might even demand that we Mind-read them. Of course, they don’t specifically tell us to Mind-read; rather, they tell us to be more perceptive, or more empathetic. A boss might say, “You need to anticipate what I want” or “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I’m thinking.” A partner or spouse might say, “If you really loved me, you’d know why I got angry.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with paying closer attention and noticing patterns in what others say and do. We can certainly get better at anticipating people’s responses. For instance, you might learn that when your wife makes a particular facial expression, it usually means she’s upset; or that when your boss says, “That’s one way to look at things,” it usually means he strongly disagrees with an idea. However, there are always limits to what you can know. As you get more and more specific—making the leap from she’s upset to she’s angry to she’s angry with me to she’s angry with me because I left dirty dishes in the sink—you’re less and less likely to be accurate.

Think about your own life and work. Are there particular contexts or relationships where it seems easier, more natural, or more appropriate to Mind-read than to ask a direct question?

Where Do Mind-reads Come From—Part 2: Personal Bias

In the last post, we discussed how ambiguity often leads to Mind-reading. That's just the first part of the story. The next question is, once we’re faced with an ambiguous message, what tools do we use to interpret it? How do we fill in the blanks? In the case of Mind-reading, we rely on what we already know—or think we know—which may or may not be relevant to the current situation. The information we draw on may include:

• Personal tendencies. When we’re trying to understand how others think, feel, and act, the most obvious guides we have are our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Suppose one of your coworkers recently dropped her only child off at college. If you’ve previously experienced “empty-nest syndrome,” you might think, “That must be hard for her. I’m sure she’s lonely.” If you had a different experience, you might think, “I’m sure she’s relieved to have more time to herself.” Our own tendencies can easily lead us to misinterpret other people’s behavior. For instance, if you usually write fairly chatty emails and only send brief, impersonal messages when you’re annoyed, you might assume that someone who sends you a terse email is feeling annoyed with you. It’s possible that you’re right, but just as likely that you’re completely wrong.
  
• Worries and fears. A good example of this occurred recently when we were leading a new training for the first time. The presentation included relatively long lectures, with fewer breaks for interactive exercises than we usually give. We weren’t sure how successful that format would be. Amy in particular was worried that people might get bored or overwhelmed trying to take in so much information all at once. When she saw one person fidgeting and shifting in his seat, she was certain that her fears were justified—this man’s mind was drifting because she’d been talking for too long. As it turns out, Amy was right about the distraction but totally wrong about the cause. This man had a serious leg injury that made it painful for him to remain sitting. He didn’t need the lectures to be shorter; he just needed to be able to stand up from time to time. And when we asked the whole group to critique our new training format, we received nothing but compliments about the lectures.
  
• Hearsay and rumors. Mind-reads can be contagious. If you hear from other people that your new neighbor is snobbish, that idea may color all the interactions you have with him. When he turns down your invitation to a cookout, you might assume it’s because he feels superior to you or would rather do something more exciting (rather than because he’s shy, has strict dietary restrictions, or has a previous commitment for that day). If you have a tendency to talk openly about other people’s intentions, be careful about spreading Mind-reads (for instance, the new salesman is trying to kiss up to the boss; Alison is afraid of commitment; or Frank is prejudiced against female leaders). Your Mind-read of someone may become that person’s reputation—and reputations are very hard to shake.
  
• Past experience with the person. Established knowledge about a person—including what they’ve told you previously about their thoughts and feelings—is one of the more reliable sources of information. It’s far from perfect, however. Do you ever change your opinion on an issue, or start to feel differently about someone or something over time? We’ll bet you do. Other people do too. The more time goes by, the greater the possibility that what you used to know about somebody is no longer true.
  
• Past experience with other people. We may also try to understand people by comparing them to others we’ve known in the past: “She’s just like my sister—she says she agrees with me when it’s obvious she doesn’t” or “I know the type; he only feels motivated when there’s a crisis.” As with any other Mind-reads, these speculations will sometimes be accurate, and sometimes inaccurate. What they certainly are not is reliable.

Where Do Mind-reads Come From?

Continuing our series on Mind-reads, we consider various factors that lead us to use this type of communication.

Typically, we don’t go around making random assumptions about other people’s thoughts and feelings; there are reasons behind our Mind-reads. The problem is, those reasons may have little or no connection to what’s really going on. Mind-reading tends to be driven by ambiguity, shaped by personal bias, and supported by a avoidance of direct questions. In this post, we'll take a close look at the first of these factors.

Ambiguity
Mind-reads feed on ambiguity. When a person says or does something that is open to multiple interpretations, we jump to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. This often happens automatically, outside our awareness. We don’t consciously reason, “Alex is looking out the window, which could mean that he’s bored”; we just think, “Alex is bored.” Ambiguity creeps into communication in several different ways:

• Silence. What does it mean when you ask a question and get no answer? Is the other person confused? Irritated? Afraid of saying the wrong thing? What about when you get no response to an opinion, suggestion, joke, or personal story? Or when someone fails to reply to email or voicemail messages? It’s possible to read just about anything into silence. Suppose the leader of a meeting makes a proposal and nobody responds. One person might assume this means that everyone agrees. Another might assume that everyone disagrees, but is afraid to raise an objection. Someone else might conclude that no one really understood the proposal. We make these sorts of interpretations all the time, labeling silence at different times as tacit support, patient listening, apathy, stonewalling, defiance, and so on. In the story that started this series, Ben interpreted Alan’s silence as an expression of lingering anger.
  
• Vagueness. Sometimes words can be just as ambiguous as silence. When a colleague says that your latest presentation was “interesting,” does that mean he found it fascinating and thought-provoking, or confusing and bizarre? When your friend calls your new shoes “very unusual,” does she like them or does she hate them? These vague comments fuel speculations about what the person really thinks. It’s easy to slip into either a positive Mind-read (“He was really impressed by my presentation”) or a negative one (“She hates my shoes but doesn’t want to tell me directly”).
  
• Body language. Not all communication is verbal. Aspects of our body language—including posture, gestures, facial expression, and eye movements—can carry just as much information as the words we use. Unfortunately, that information isn’t always clear or consistent with the message we’re trying to send. One woman we trained (call her Jen) was surprised to learn that her body language could make her appear judgmental. This became clear when she was acting as a mentor in an educational program. A woman Jen was mentoring said she felt uncomfortable talking to her about challenging personal issues, because she believed Jen was judging her and judging what she said. It turned out that when Jen was listening to her mentee, she furrowed her eyebrows and squinted a little. To this woman, that expression conveyed a critical, judging attitude. In reality, it was something that happened unconsciously whenever Jen listened intently to anyone. (Jen does her best to avoid doing that now to prevent others from developing similar Mind-reads.)

• Absence of voice tone. Voice tone is a powerful force in communication. In fact, the tone we use often has a greater impact on a conversation than the words we say. There’s a world of difference between the neutral remark “Remember that the meeting starts at 10” and the same words spoken with a snide or accusatory tone. However, in a written format like email, both comments may look exactly the same. As a result, the sender’s friendly reminder may be received as an attack or a sarcastic jab. While email may be a great convenience, the ambiguity it creates can easily lead to misunderstandings. The same risks apply to text messaging and any other forms of electronic media that don’t communicate voice tone.