Where Do Mind-reads Come From?

Continuing our series on Mind-reads, we consider various factors that lead us to use this type of communication.

Typically, we don’t go around making random assumptions about other people’s thoughts and feelings; there are reasons behind our Mind-reads. The problem is, those reasons may have little or no connection to what’s really going on. Mind-reading tends to be driven by ambiguity, shaped by personal bias, and supported by a avoidance of direct questions. In this post, we'll take a close look at the first of these factors.

Ambiguity
Mind-reads feed on ambiguity. When a person says or does something that is open to multiple interpretations, we jump to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. This often happens automatically, outside our awareness. We don’t consciously reason, “Alex is looking out the window, which could mean that he’s bored”; we just think, “Alex is bored.” Ambiguity creeps into communication in several different ways:

• Silence. What does it mean when you ask a question and get no answer? Is the other person confused? Irritated? Afraid of saying the wrong thing? What about when you get no response to an opinion, suggestion, joke, or personal story? Or when someone fails to reply to email or voicemail messages? It’s possible to read just about anything into silence. Suppose the leader of a meeting makes a proposal and nobody responds. One person might assume this means that everyone agrees. Another might assume that everyone disagrees, but is afraid to raise an objection. Someone else might conclude that no one really understood the proposal. We make these sorts of interpretations all the time, labeling silence at different times as tacit support, patient listening, apathy, stonewalling, defiance, and so on. In the story that started this series, Ben interpreted Alan’s silence as an expression of lingering anger.
  
• Vagueness. Sometimes words can be just as ambiguous as silence. When a colleague says that your latest presentation was “interesting,” does that mean he found it fascinating and thought-provoking, or confusing and bizarre? When your friend calls your new shoes “very unusual,” does she like them or does she hate them? These vague comments fuel speculations about what the person really thinks. It’s easy to slip into either a positive Mind-read (“He was really impressed by my presentation”) or a negative one (“She hates my shoes but doesn’t want to tell me directly”).
  
• Body language. Not all communication is verbal. Aspects of our body language—including posture, gestures, facial expression, and eye movements—can carry just as much information as the words we use. Unfortunately, that information isn’t always clear or consistent with the message we’re trying to send. One woman we trained (call her Jen) was surprised to learn that her body language could make her appear judgmental. This became clear when she was acting as a mentor in an educational program. A woman Jen was mentoring said she felt uncomfortable talking to her about challenging personal issues, because she believed Jen was judging her and judging what she said. It turned out that when Jen was listening to her mentee, she furrowed her eyebrows and squinted a little. To this woman, that expression conveyed a critical, judging attitude. In reality, it was something that happened unconsciously whenever Jen listened intently to anyone. (Jen does her best to avoid doing that now to prevent others from developing similar Mind-reads.)

• Absence of voice tone. Voice tone is a powerful force in communication. In fact, the tone we use often has a greater impact on a conversation than the words we say. There’s a world of difference between the neutral remark “Remember that the meeting starts at 10” and the same words spoken with a snide or accusatory tone. However, in a written format like email, both comments may look exactly the same. As a result, the sender’s friendly reminder may be received as an attack or a sarcastic jab. While email may be a great convenience, the ambiguity it creates can easily lead to misunderstandings. The same risks apply to text messaging and any other forms of electronic media that don’t communicate voice tone.

A Great Friendship Gone Bad: What Went Wrong?

In our last post, we told a true story about a communication breakdown between Ben and a close colleague (whom we’re calling Alan), and we challenged you to identify the specific behavior that caused all the trouble. Could you tell what it was?

You may have noticed that we didn’t include any dialogue in the story. That’s because in this case, the most influential communication was never stated out loud. Ben wanted to restore his relationship with Alan, and, as we’ll show later, he could have done that quite easily if he’d made the effort. He simply didn’t try—not because of what Alan had said to him, but because of what he kept saying to himself. He was convinced that he knew what was going on in Alan’s mind. Consider some of the comments he makes: “it was clear that was what he wanted”; “I got the unspoken message”; and “there was no doubt that Alan was still angry.” All of these are what we call “Mind-reads.” Without realizing it, Ben was allowing his Mind-reads to ruin his friendship.

Mind-Reads—Turning Friends into Fictions
When we Mind-read, we treat our assumptions about other people—what we imagine they’re thinking or feeling—as though they were facts. Mind-reads may be simple statements about a person’s psychological state (“Marilyn’s tired”; “Jim is still upset”; “You’re in a good mood today”); they may address relationships with us or with others (“I can tell my boss is disappointed in me”; “Bill clearly prefers working with Tom”; “Our neighbors have an unhappy marriage”); or they may deal with any number of other topics (“You didn’t enjoy that party”; “I know Jack wants a raise”; “He’d rather hire someone younger”; “They’re waiting for us to make the first move”; and so on).

Mind-reads get people into a lot of trouble. Have you ever talked to someone who seemed to think they could read your mind? This can be extremely irritating, particularly when the person implies that they know you better than you know yourself—“You don’t really mean that”; “You think you love her, but you’re just infatuated”; “You can’t admit to yourself that he was right.” The consequences of unspoken Mind-reads can be just as serious. We may start to talk and act in ways that are based more on imagination than on reality. Ben’s experience with Alan is a good example of that.

When we rely too heavily on Mind-reads, we are in a sense populating our world with imaginary friends—not to mention imaginary coworkers, bosses, spouses, children, and so forth. These individuals may bear a strong resemblance to the real people they’re based on, but important aspects of their personalities and emotional lives are created by our own minds. In the opening story, Alan became more and more of a fiction to Ben; the open-minded, compassionate person he knew appeared increasingly distant, closed off, and unforgiving. Mind-reads are not always so negative. Some people may seem more generous, intelligent, and likeable in our imagination than they would if we really got to know them. The problem is that whether wicked or wonderful, imaginary friends aren’t real.

As we continue this series of posts, we’ll take a close look at the various factors that lead to Mind-reads, as well as strategies we can use to counteract them.

A Great Friendship Gone Bad

What communication problem made these two people grow apart?

As summer vacations come to a close, we're getting back to work on this blog with a new series of posts. If you've been following along, you know that our last series covered Yes-Buts. We're now moving on to a another kind of challenging communication behavior. Before we tell you what it is, we challenge you to figure that out for yourself. Read the case below and ask yourself, what is the primary issue that's causing problems in this situation?
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(This story comes from Ben’s personal experience, so he’ll narrate it directly.) 

It was a real loss for me to fall out of contact with Alan[1], but it was clear that was what he wanted.

When Alan and I first met at a conference in 2003, we hit it off instantly. We both did organizational coaching and consulting, and we found we had a lot to learn from one another. Over time, we developed a strong friendship and professional connection. Every month we spoke on the phone and coached each other on different cases we were working on. Whenever one of us was struggling with a difficult issue, in either our work or our personal life, we’d talk it through together and leave with insights and solutions we could never think up on our own. Overall, the relationship felt remarkably rewarding and supportive.

The turning point came about four years into our friendship. In one of our calls, Alan told me about an upsetting incident that had happened in a professional networking group he belonged to. Listening to his story made me angry; I thought he had been treated unfairly and deserved an apology. Feeling resentful on Alan’s behalf, I complained about the incident to another friend (Chris) who was a part of that same group. Chris then raised the issue with the group leader, and eventually word got back to Alan that I’d been talking about his experience.

Alan called me up, furious — and rightly so. He had talked to me in confidence and expected I would keep the discussion between us. I apologized profusely, but had the sense that it wasn’t good enough. Clearly Alan was still upset. I worried that he would never again feel able to trust me with anything personal. My fears were confirmed later that month. We had a date set for one of our mutual coaching sessions, and for the first time, Alan didn’t call. I sent him an email asking what had happened, but never heard back. I got the unspoken message: He didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

Over the next two years, my only contact with Alan was at the same annual conference where we had originally met. Although Alan wasn’t rude or hostile, he made no attempt to engage me in conversation. The first year, when I said “Hello,” he said “Hello” in reply, but then kept on walking. The second year, even though we participated in a small workshop together, we did nothing more than exchange a few pleasantries. By that point there was no doubt that Alan was still angry, and that I had little chance of restoring my friendship with him.

[1] Names and identifying details have been changed to preserve anonymity.
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Now we ask you, from the point of view of communication behavior, what is the primary issue disrupting Ben and Alan's friendship? We'll reveal the answer in our next post. (If you think you know it, don't give it away, but feel free to email us directly to check out your guess.) Stay tuned!

Yes-But Quiz — the Answers!

1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
Yes-But: "Sure" is the Yes, and "However" is the But.

2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
NOT a Yes-But: You could easily make it into a Yes-But: "You can buy a dog, but you'll have to feed it and walk it once a day."

3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
NOT a Yes-But: Although there's a "but," it doesn't set up an opposition between two ideas. 

4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
Yes-But
 
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
NOT a Yes-But: There's no "Yes" here. A But without the Yes is what we call a Discount.
 
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
Yes-But: This is more subtle, but still presenting two competing ideas in opposition with one another.
 
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
Yes-But: Again, a fairly subtle Yes-But.
 
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
Yes-But: Here, "On the other hand," is the But.

9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
NOT a Yes-But: You could present the same idea as a Yes-But — for example, "I see some advantages to your plan, but there are also a few disadvantages." Notice how this sounds a little different and can have a different impact on the conversation.
 
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
TRICKY: We think this one could go either way, depending on context and voice tone. To hear this as a non-Yes-But, imagine the second statement said in a neutral tone and followed by, "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
NOT a Yes-But

12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
Yes-But: This one comes with a relatively long, drawn out Yes before hitting the But ("unfortunately").

13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
Yes-But

14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
NOT a Yes-But 

15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
Yes-But: This one may not be a high-impact Yes-But, but it still sets up a contradiction.

16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
Yes-But: This is a fairly innocuous Yes-But that may well have no negative impact on the conversation. But it's still a Yes-But.
 
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
Yes-But

18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
NOT a Yes-But: Depending on the context, this could either be a Discount (arguing against something that was just said) or a Negative prediction (if not made in response to another opposing statement).

19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work. 
NOT a Yes-But: Because there's no "Yes," this is a Discount.

20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.
Yes-But

We hope you enjoyed this exercise! We intentionally made it tough to challenge your brain. If you have any questions or comments, please share them with us.

Stealth-But Spotting

How good you are at recognizing tricky-to-spot Yes-Buts? Read the following statements and try to identify which ones are Yes-Buts and which are not. (Review our earlier post on Stealth-Butting for some hints.) Keep track of your answers — we'll give you ours next time. Good luck!

1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work.
20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.

Yes-But Response Skill: What to Do When You Get Yes-Butted by Someone Else

Last week we gave you a strategy for transforming your own Yes-Buts. Now we're going to move on to what to do when other people Yes-But you. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t Yes-But very often, there are bound to be at least one or two people in your life or work who do. Have you found a consistent, reliable, and effective way to respond? If not, keep reading!

Step 1. Awareness
Can you tell when you’re being Yes-Butted? You probably notice something, but you may not fully understand what’s going on. Say you’ve been suggesting lunch options to your friend, and he has a “But” for every idea (“The food’s good, but it’s expensive,” “Yeah, but it’s too far away”). After a little while you might start noticing that you feel irritated. You might begin to have negative thoughts about your friend (he’s annoying; he’s argumentative; he’s so hard to please). This is a natural response. As we explained in the introduction, whenever a conversation fails it’s very tempting to blame the other person. The problem is that this severely limits your options. If it’s your friend that’s the problem, you need to find yourself a new lunch date. If, on the other hand, you can trace the problem to a specific communication behavior (Yes-But), you have a lot more flexibility. You don’t need to abandon your friend. You just need to talk to him differently.

This approach lets you do something constructive with your irritation. Instead of stifling it (trying to pretend you’re not annoyed) or venting it (snapping at your friend), you can use it — take it as a cue to get curious about what’s happening. You can do this in any frustrating conversation. See if you can identify the particular types of communication that are fueling your frustration. If it turns out that the other person is Yes-Butting, try using the strategy we’re about to describe.

Step 2: Action — Join and Explore (again)
If you paid attention to the post on controlling your own Yes-Buts, here’s some good news: You can use the exact same strategy to respond to someone else’s Yes-Buts. Think back to our example of the argument about national security and human rights. Just because Charles Yes-Butted first, that doesn’t mean he’s the only one who could make a positive change. The Join and Explore strategy could work equally well for Ruth:

Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but we can’t allow those considerations to erode the basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)

Ruth: You know, I agree with that — I do think we need to keep fundamental human rights protections in place. (Join #1) A lack of regard for human life and dignity is part of what makes terrorist attacks so appalling. (Join #2) In trying to protect our society, we shouldn’t abandon the basic principles that the society is based on. (Join #3)
What do you think is the best way to balance human rights concerns with issues of public safety in the face of an imminent threat, such as a potential large-scale attack? (Open question)
Or, Are there any circumstances that you think would justify suspending a few individuals’ rights to protect the lives of others? (Open question)

As soon as you master the art of joining and asking open questions, you have the skills to transform any polite fight — no matter who said the first Yes-But.

The Upshot: At any point in a Yes-But conversation, switching to joining and asking open questions can help you understand other points of view, get your viewpoint understood, reduce everyone’s level of frustration, and start to develop a collaborative solution.

Plan B: What to Do When You Can’t Find a Way to Join
There may be times when you get Yes-Butted and your automatic response isn’t another Yes-But; it’s just plain “No!” No matter how hard you try, you can’t find anything you like or agree with in the other person’s idea. In that case, you might choose to skip the joining and go straight for an open question, like “What makes you say that?” or “What led you to that conclusion?” Be sure to keep your voice tone neutral, without any harsh or sarcastic edge (“What makes you say THAT?!”).

If the person’s idea seems crazy, extreme, or stupid to you, that’s all the more reason to start off with a question. There’s a good chance that at least one of you has information the other person doesn’t have. For instance, suppose you’re discussing layoff decisions with a colleague, explaining what a tough time you’re having. She says, “But you really should have gotten rid of David already,” and this seems extreme and unfair to you. It may turn out that your colleague knows something about David that you don’t know. We saw a situation like this in one small company, where the firing of a long-time employee had led to a great deal of conflict within the staff. As we worked with the group, it became clear that many people were uninformed or misinformed about exactly what this person had done (including threats and sexual harassment).

If all else fails, if even open questions don’t seem to work, one other option is to simply say, “I disagree” or “I have a different opinion” (again, making sure your voice tone stays neutral). While this isn’t as helpful as the other strategies for building mutual understanding, it does avoid the mixed message of a Yes-But. For that reason, it’s less likely to get an argument going.

Step 3: Practice
Keep looking out for our Yes-But Exercises (we've posted 3 so far and there are more to come) to keep building your awareness and skill with Yes-Buts.

Yes-But Exercise #3 - Yes-Butting on Purpose

Practice having a conversation entirely in Yes-Buts. This is more fun to do with a friend, but you can also do it on your own, thinking up Yes-Buts in your head, writing them down on paper, or even saying them out loud to yourself. Get creative. See how many different ways you can say “Yes” and “But” without using those words directly. This exercise will help build your awareness so that when Yes-Buts happen naturally — coming from you or from someone else — you’ll have an easier time recognizing them and remembering to try to do something different.