Yes-But Response Skill: What to Do When You Get Yes-Butted by Someone Else

Last week we gave you a strategy for transforming your own Yes-Buts. Now we're going to move on to what to do when other people Yes-But you. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t Yes-But very often, there are bound to be at least one or two people in your life or work who do. Have you found a consistent, reliable, and effective way to respond? If not, keep reading!

Step 1. Awareness
Can you tell when you’re being Yes-Butted? You probably notice something, but you may not fully understand what’s going on. Say you’ve been suggesting lunch options to your friend, and he has a “But” for every idea (“The food’s good, but it’s expensive,” “Yeah, but it’s too far away”). After a little while you might start noticing that you feel irritated. You might begin to have negative thoughts about your friend (he’s annoying; he’s argumentative; he’s so hard to please). This is a natural response. As we explained in the introduction, whenever a conversation fails it’s very tempting to blame the other person. The problem is that this severely limits your options. If it’s your friend that’s the problem, you need to find yourself a new lunch date. If, on the other hand, you can trace the problem to a specific communication behavior (Yes-But), you have a lot more flexibility. You don’t need to abandon your friend. You just need to talk to him differently.

This approach lets you do something constructive with your irritation. Instead of stifling it (trying to pretend you’re not annoyed) or venting it (snapping at your friend), you can use it — take it as a cue to get curious about what’s happening. You can do this in any frustrating conversation. See if you can identify the particular types of communication that are fueling your frustration. If it turns out that the other person is Yes-Butting, try using the strategy we’re about to describe.

Step 2: Action — Join and Explore (again)
If you paid attention to the post on controlling your own Yes-Buts, here’s some good news: You can use the exact same strategy to respond to someone else’s Yes-Buts. Think back to our example of the argument about national security and human rights. Just because Charles Yes-Butted first, that doesn’t mean he’s the only one who could make a positive change. The Join and Explore strategy could work equally well for Ruth:

Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but we can’t allow those considerations to erode the basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)

Ruth: You know, I agree with that — I do think we need to keep fundamental human rights protections in place. (Join #1) A lack of regard for human life and dignity is part of what makes terrorist attacks so appalling. (Join #2) In trying to protect our society, we shouldn’t abandon the basic principles that the society is based on. (Join #3)
What do you think is the best way to balance human rights concerns with issues of public safety in the face of an imminent threat, such as a potential large-scale attack? (Open question)
Or, Are there any circumstances that you think would justify suspending a few individuals’ rights to protect the lives of others? (Open question)

As soon as you master the art of joining and asking open questions, you have the skills to transform any polite fight — no matter who said the first Yes-But.

The Upshot: At any point in a Yes-But conversation, switching to joining and asking open questions can help you understand other points of view, get your viewpoint understood, reduce everyone’s level of frustration, and start to develop a collaborative solution.

Plan B: What to Do When You Can’t Find a Way to Join
There may be times when you get Yes-Butted and your automatic response isn’t another Yes-But; it’s just plain “No!” No matter how hard you try, you can’t find anything you like or agree with in the other person’s idea. In that case, you might choose to skip the joining and go straight for an open question, like “What makes you say that?” or “What led you to that conclusion?” Be sure to keep your voice tone neutral, without any harsh or sarcastic edge (“What makes you say THAT?!”).

If the person’s idea seems crazy, extreme, or stupid to you, that’s all the more reason to start off with a question. There’s a good chance that at least one of you has information the other person doesn’t have. For instance, suppose you’re discussing layoff decisions with a colleague, explaining what a tough time you’re having. She says, “But you really should have gotten rid of David already,” and this seems extreme and unfair to you. It may turn out that your colleague knows something about David that you don’t know. We saw a situation like this in one small company, where the firing of a long-time employee had led to a great deal of conflict within the staff. As we worked with the group, it became clear that many people were uninformed or misinformed about exactly what this person had done (including threats and sexual harassment).

If all else fails, if even open questions don’t seem to work, one other option is to simply say, “I disagree” or “I have a different opinion” (again, making sure your voice tone stays neutral). While this isn’t as helpful as the other strategies for building mutual understanding, it does avoid the mixed message of a Yes-But. For that reason, it’s less likely to get an argument going.

Step 3: Practice
Keep looking out for our Yes-But Exercises (we've posted 3 so far and there are more to come) to keep building your awareness and skill with Yes-Buts.