Twelve Tell-Tale Signs of Mind-Reading

Twelve Tell-Tale Signs of Mind-reading
Here are a few indications that your relationship with a particular person may be based more on mind-reads than on reality:

1. You spend more time talking to this person in your head than having real conversations with them.
2. You spend more time talking about this person to other people than talking to them directly.
3. It’s not what the person says, but what they don’t say that affects you the most.
4. You often find yourself wondering what they think of you.
5. You read a lot of meaning into their facial expressions or voice tone.
6. You think this person is not telling you the whole truth.
7. You don’t feel comfortable telling them the whole truth.
8. You feel bad after talking to this person, and you can’t tell why.
9. There are many comments that bother you coming from them, but that wouldn’t bother you if they came from anybody else.
10. This person seems to think and react in exactly the same way as someone else you know or once knew.
11. You think you often know what they’re going through better than they do.
12. You have the impression that they haven’t changed at all in a very long time—or that they’ve changed dramatically all of a sudden.

If more than two or three of these statements sound accurate, there’s a good chance that the relationship you’re thinking of is heavily influenced by mind-reads.

Mind-Reading Response Skill: What to Do When Someone Else Mind-reads You

Step 1: Awareness
Once you start looking for Mind-reads, they’re not hard to spot when they come up in conversation. Someone might tell you, “It’s obvious that you’re bored” or “I know you think this is a reckless idea.” More difficult to detect are mind-reads that go unspoken. One indication that someone may be mind-reading you is that they behave in ways that don’t make sense to you. For instance, if they start acting apologetic or defensive and you don’t know why, they may think that you’re angry or judging them in some way. Or if they ask you repeated, probing questions—such as “Are you sure you’re okay?” or “Are you sure you don’t mind?”—they may think there’s something specific that you’re not saying. Of course, as we emphasized in the last post, you can’t know for sure what somebody is thinking (including whether they have a mind-read) without asking them directly. You could say, “I’m worried that you think I don’t like your idea” or “I get a sense that you don’t believe me when I say I don’t mind,” followed by a narrow question: “Is that true?” Once a mind-read is out in the open, you have a chance to respond to it directly.

Step 2: Action—Clarify, Clarify, Clarify
Since mind-reads thrive on ambiguity, one of the most effective countermeasures is clarity. When someone has a mind-read of you, there are three important pieces of information to clarify: what the mind-read is, where it’s coming from, and whether it’s true or false.

Content of the mind-read. First you need to get clear on the exact content of the mind-read. A good way to do this is to use a paraphrase, followed by a narrow question. For instance, say your manager tells you he’s reassigning a particular project because it’s clear that you regret taking it on. You might say, “It sounds like you got the impression that I regret ever taking on this project. Is that right?” In a personal context, suppose a friend says she doesn’t enjoy going out with you because you judge everything she does. You could say, “I’m hearing that it feels like I judge everything you do. Is that right?” 

This specific type of phrasing—the paraphrase plus a narrow question—simultaneously accomplishes two goals: ensuring that you understood what the other person said, and showing the person that you were really listening.

Origin of the mind-read. The next step is finding out what’s driving the person’s assumption. Even the most far-fetched mind-reads come from somewhere. Ask, “What have I done that gives you that impression?” or “What do I do that makes you feel that way?” Make sure it’s a real question and not an accusation (“What on earth gave you that idea?!”). The person’s answer will give you important information about the kind of impact your words and actions are having—at least on one individual. In the case of the work assignment, your manager might mention that you complained several times about your frustration with the project. In the personal discussion, your friend might remind you of critical comments you made about men she met in bars.


Accuracy of the mind-read. The final step is the moment of truth (literally). Is the mind-read true? Is it false? Is there just one part of it that’s true? Don’t automatically jump to an answer: “Of course I’d never regret a work opportunity” or “Of course I’d never judge you.” Take a little time to consider the issue, and then answer honestly. Some mind-reads are bound to be off-target. You might tell your manager, “I don’t regret taking on the project, but I can see why it came across that way.” Others have some truth to them. You might tell your friend, “You’re right. I do sometimes have judgments about what you do. I don’t judge everything, but I have strong opinions about your relationships with men.” By stating the reality, whatever it is, you help the other person to make better decisions. Your manager may or may not change your work assignment, and your friend may or may not want to go out to bars with you. Either way, they make an informed choice. 

Becoming Less of a Mind-Read Target
Do you find that many people have mind-reads about you? You may unknowingly be doing things that encourage them to make these assumptions. Here are a few ways to make yourself less of a mind-read target.

Don’t:

• React defensively when someone expresses a mind-read to you
• Criticize people for not knowing what you’re thinking
• Communicate about potentially touchy subjects by email or text message
• Leave unexplained silences that could lead to misunderstandings
• Make vague comments on important or sensitive topics

Do:

• Check out your own mind-reads
• Encourage people to ask you directly if they’re wondering what you’re thinking or feeling
• Give honest answers to questions about your thoughts and feelings
• Ask if there’s anything you tend to do or say that leads to mind-reads
• Tell people about your communication style (for instance, explaining what it usually means when you’re silent in a meeting or terse on the phone)

Mind-Reading Transformation Skill Continued

Step 2: Action—Get a Reality Check
No matter how much insight and awareness you gain about your mind-reads, there’s a limit to what you can do on your own. There’s only one person who knows with certainty whether your assumption is true or false: the person you’re mind-reading. To find that out, you need to ask the person directly.

Of course, asking a direct question doesn’t guarantee an honest answer. That’s one of the most common reasons why people don’t check out their mind-reads: they don’t believe they’ll get the truth. Fortunately, there are several ways to significantly improve the odds of getting a truthful response.

Keep the focus on yourself, not on the other person. Say you have a mind-read that an employee who agreed to take on a particular project is now regretting that decision. It may be tempting to explain all the reasons why you think that: “You didn’t respond to my last email about the project. You’ve told me several times that it’s become more complicated than you expected. You cancelled our last scheduled meeting.” Those kinds of comments can easily make the employee feel defensive. Instead, limit yourself to expressing your own thoughts and feelings: “I’m worried that you regret taking on this project” or “I’m thinking that you might be having second thoughts about this assignment.”

Keep it simple. Giving too much background will only complicate the issue and confuse the other person. Don’t ramble—“I wasn’t sure about giving you the project, it’s kind of complicated, maybe it’s too much, sometimes I lose track of people’s workloads…” Just state your mind-read and move on.

Express your openness. Make it clear that you want to hear the truth, whatever that may be. It may help to explain why you want to know (again, keeping your comments brief). For instance, you might explain, “I want to make sure I’m distributing work in a way that makes sense. If this isn’t a good fit, that’s important information for me.

Provide reassurance. In some situations, the other person may feel it’s risky to tell you something you don’t want to hear. It can help to reassure the person that if they do give a difficult answer, you’ll understand, and you won’t punish or judge them for it. For example, you could say, “In your shoes, I’d probably be having some second thoughts” or “Your answer won’t affect my performance evaluation.”

Ask a narrow question. The basic question you want answered is whether your mind-read is true. There are only two possible answers: Yes or No. Be sure to frame your question narrowly—“Am I right?”, “Is this true?”, or “Are you feeling that way?”—so the person can give a Yes or No response. If you ask broad questions like “What’s happening for you?” or “What are your thoughts?” you may not get the information you’re looking for.

You can mix and match the various strategies described above, depending on the context, the person you’re talking to, the subject you’re talking about, and your own personal preferences. Often you can be very brief: “I’m thinking you’d rather go out to eat than stay home and cook. Is that true?” At other times you’ll want to give more information. Here are a few different examples of what checking out a mind-read might sound like:

Talking to a doctor:

• I’m concerned that you may be reluctant to give me the full picture of my prognosis. (Giving your thought/feeling)
• It’s important to me to understand exactly what I’m facing, even if it’s unpleasant or scary. (Expressing openness)
• Are you holding back at all in what you’re telling me? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a child:

• I’m thinking you might be feeling jealous about all the attention your little brother has been getting. (Giving your thought) 
• I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did—it’s a natural way to feel right now. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel jealous of him sometimes? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a coworker:

• Sometimes I think that when I play music in the office, it bothers you. (Giving your thought) 
•  Is that true? (Asking a narrow question)

Talking to a spouse:

• I’m worried that since you found out more about my past, it’s difficult for you to trust me. (Giving your thought/feeling) 
• If that’s true, I really want to know so we can work through this together. (Expressing openness)
• If our roles were reversed, I’d probably find it hard to trust you. (Giving reassurance)
• Do you feel that way? (Asking a narrow question)

Here's how this strategy helped to resolve the situation we described in the first post in this series:

After three years of living with his mind-read of Alan, Ben worked up the courage to test it. At the next conference he invited Alan to lunch, where they could have some quiet time to talk privately. Ben started the conversation by saying, “I want to see if we can clear the air a little. Ever since we had the conflict over the confidence I violated, I’ve had the feeling you’re still mad at me. I really screwed up, and I’d understand if you were still upset. Are you?”

Alan looked confused. “No, I’m not mad at you,” he said. “What confidence did you violate?” He couldn’t even remember the conflict. When Ben reminded him, Alan explained that as soon as they’d talked it through, the issue was over for him. Then he revealed his own mind-read: “I thought you were upset with me for missing one of our coaching sessions.” Apparently he had responded to Ben’s email with an apology and an attempt to reschedule, and when he got no response (because Ben never saw the message), he assumed Ben was angry. Following those misunderstandings, both men were both a little awkward and cautious around each other—which each of them interpreted as evidence that the other person was holding a grudge.

In this situation, the benefits of checking a mind-read are obvious: Ben received full reassurance and was able to restore his relationship with a close friend. But even when the truth is hard to hear, it usually brings some sense of relief. Although the reality may be upsetting, disappointing, or sad, it dispels the anxiety and uncertainty of not knowing. It also gives you data that can help you make more informed decisions—whether it’s about reassigning a project, calling up an old friend, revising your health care plan, turning down your music, or going into couple’s counseling.