1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
Yes-But: "Sure" is the Yes, and "However" is the But.
2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
NOT a Yes-But: You could easily make it into a Yes-But: "You can buy a dog, but you'll have to feed it and walk it once a day."
3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
NOT a Yes-But: Although there's a "but," it doesn't set up an opposition between two ideas.
4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
Yes-But
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
NOT a Yes-But: There's no "Yes" here. A But without the Yes is what we call a Discount.
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
Yes-But: This is more subtle, but still presenting two competing ideas in opposition with one another.
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
Yes-But: Again, a fairly subtle Yes-But.
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
Yes-But: Here, "On the other hand," is the But.
9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
NOT a Yes-But: You could present the same idea as a Yes-But — for example, "I see some advantages to your plan, but there are also a few disadvantages." Notice how this sounds a little different and can have a different impact on the conversation.
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
TRICKY: We think this one could go either way, depending on context and voice tone. To hear this as a non-Yes-But, imagine the second statement said in a neutral tone and followed by, "That's a risk I'm willing to take."
11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
NOT a Yes-But
12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
Yes-But: This one comes with a relatively long, drawn out Yes before hitting the But ("unfortunately").
13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
Yes-But
14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
NOT a Yes-But
15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
Yes-But: This one may not be a high-impact Yes-But, but it still sets up a contradiction.
16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
Yes-But: This is a fairly innocuous Yes-But that may well have no negative impact on the conversation. But it's still a Yes-But.
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
Yes-But
18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
NOT a Yes-But: Depending on the context, this could either be a Discount (arguing against something that was just said) or a Negative prediction (if not made in response to another opposing statement).
19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work.
NOT a Yes-But: Because there's no "Yes," this is a Discount.
20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.
Yes-But
We hope you enjoyed this exercise! We intentionally made it tough to challenge your brain. If you have any questions or comments, please share them with us.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stealth-But Spotting
How good you are at recognizing tricky-to-spot Yes-Buts? Read the following statements and try to identify which ones are Yes-Buts and which are not. (Review our earlier post on Stealth-Butting for some hints.) Keep track of your answers — we'll give you ours next time. Good luck!
1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work.
20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.
1. Sure we could do that. However, it might take a long time.
2. You can buy a dog, so long as you promise to feed it and walk it once a day.
3. This new accounting program is simple, but powerful.
4. You’d think that would be true, but in practice it’s just the opposite.
5. The expansion you’re proposing is way too expensive.
6. I agree that there are a lot of risks with this procedure; we just don’t have any other choice.
7. I see what you’re saying and it makes perfect sense. Still, we can’t do what you’re suggesting without alienating many of our constituents.
8. On the other hand, maybe it’s too risky to take out another loan.
9. I see some advantages to your plan, as well as a few disadvantages.
10. It would be easier to wait a week before making that decision. Of course, interest rates may go up during that time.
11. If only we had a bigger truck, we could move all the furniture on our own.
12. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. It’s clear you were thinking creatively. Unfortunately, I know the boss won’t approve it.
13. I know you have put a lot of work into this; it’s simply not the right time for it now.
14. I’m sorry I can’t come to the meeting; if there were any way I could make it there, I would.
15. Sure, let’s do it, but we’ll have to be careful about how we make the announcement.
16. I’m happy to go out to that restaurant, just not tonight.
17. I think spending a month in rural China would be a great experience; however, neither of us speaks Chinese.
18. Even if he convinced her to sign that contract, it would never stand up in court.
19. We tried that last year and it didn’t work.
20. Although I appreciate the work you’ve put into this project, the truth is, you’re way off mark on what is needed here.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Yes-But Response Skill: What to Do When You Get Yes-Butted by Someone Else
Last week we gave you a strategy for transforming your own Yes-Buts. Now we're going to move on to what to do when other people Yes-But you. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t Yes-But very often, there are bound to be at least one or two people in your life or work who do. Have you found a consistent, reliable, and effective way to respond? If not, keep reading!
Step 1. Awareness
Can you tell when you’re being Yes-Butted? You probably notice something, but you may not fully understand what’s going on. Say you’ve been suggesting lunch options to your friend, and he has a “But” for every idea (“The food’s good, but it’s expensive,” “Yeah, but it’s too far away”). After a little while you might start noticing that you feel irritated. You might begin to have negative thoughts about your friend (he’s annoying; he’s argumentative; he’s so hard to please). This is a natural response. As we explained in the introduction, whenever a conversation fails it’s very tempting to blame the other person. The problem is that this severely limits your options. If it’s your friend that’s the problem, you need to find yourself a new lunch date. If, on the other hand, you can trace the problem to a specific communication behavior (Yes-But), you have a lot more flexibility. You don’t need to abandon your friend. You just need to talk to him differently.
This approach lets you do something constructive with your irritation. Instead of stifling it (trying to pretend you’re not annoyed) or venting it (snapping at your friend), you can use it — take it as a cue to get curious about what’s happening. You can do this in any frustrating conversation. See if you can identify the particular types of communication that are fueling your frustration. If it turns out that the other person is Yes-Butting, try using the strategy we’re about to describe.
Step 2: Action — Join and Explore (again)
If you paid attention to the post on controlling your own Yes-Buts, here’s some good news: You can use the exact same strategy to respond to someone else’s Yes-Buts. Think back to our example of the argument about national security and human rights. Just because Charles Yes-Butted first, that doesn’t mean he’s the only one who could make a positive change. The Join and Explore strategy could work equally well for Ruth:
Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but we can’t allow those considerations to erode the basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)
Ruth: You know, I agree with that — I do think we need to keep fundamental human rights protections in place. (Join #1) A lack of regard for human life and dignity is part of what makes terrorist attacks so appalling. (Join #2) In trying to protect our society, we shouldn’t abandon the basic principles that the society is based on. (Join #3)
What do you think is the best way to balance human rights concerns with issues of public safety in the face of an imminent threat, such as a potential large-scale attack? (Open question)
Or, Are there any circumstances that you think would justify suspending a few individuals’ rights to protect the lives of others? (Open question)
As soon as you master the art of joining and asking open questions, you have the skills to transform any polite fight — no matter who said the first Yes-But.
The Upshot: At any point in a Yes-But conversation, switching to joining and asking open questions can help you understand other points of view, get your viewpoint understood, reduce everyone’s level of frustration, and start to develop a collaborative solution.
Plan B: What to Do When You Can’t Find a Way to Join
There may be times when you get Yes-Butted and your automatic response isn’t another Yes-But; it’s just plain “No!” No matter how hard you try, you can’t find anything you like or agree with in the other person’s idea. In that case, you might choose to skip the joining and go straight for an open question, like “What makes you say that?” or “What led you to that conclusion?” Be sure to keep your voice tone neutral, without any harsh or sarcastic edge (“What makes you say THAT?!”).
If the person’s idea seems crazy, extreme, or stupid to you, that’s all the more reason to start off with a question. There’s a good chance that at least one of you has information the other person doesn’t have. For instance, suppose you’re discussing layoff decisions with a colleague, explaining what a tough time you’re having. She says, “But you really should have gotten rid of David already,” and this seems extreme and unfair to you. It may turn out that your colleague knows something about David that you don’t know. We saw a situation like this in one small company, where the firing of a long-time employee had led to a great deal of conflict within the staff. As we worked with the group, it became clear that many people were uninformed or misinformed about exactly what this person had done (including threats and sexual harassment).
If all else fails, if even open questions don’t seem to work, one other option is to simply say, “I disagree” or “I have a different opinion” (again, making sure your voice tone stays neutral). While this isn’t as helpful as the other strategies for building mutual understanding, it does avoid the mixed message of a Yes-But. For that reason, it’s less likely to get an argument going.
Step 3: Practice
Keep looking out for our Yes-But Exercises (we've posted 3 so far and there are more to come) to keep building your awareness and skill with Yes-Buts.
Step 1. Awareness
Can you tell when you’re being Yes-Butted? You probably notice something, but you may not fully understand what’s going on. Say you’ve been suggesting lunch options to your friend, and he has a “But” for every idea (“The food’s good, but it’s expensive,” “Yeah, but it’s too far away”). After a little while you might start noticing that you feel irritated. You might begin to have negative thoughts about your friend (he’s annoying; he’s argumentative; he’s so hard to please). This is a natural response. As we explained in the introduction, whenever a conversation fails it’s very tempting to blame the other person. The problem is that this severely limits your options. If it’s your friend that’s the problem, you need to find yourself a new lunch date. If, on the other hand, you can trace the problem to a specific communication behavior (Yes-But), you have a lot more flexibility. You don’t need to abandon your friend. You just need to talk to him differently.
This approach lets you do something constructive with your irritation. Instead of stifling it (trying to pretend you’re not annoyed) or venting it (snapping at your friend), you can use it — take it as a cue to get curious about what’s happening. You can do this in any frustrating conversation. See if you can identify the particular types of communication that are fueling your frustration. If it turns out that the other person is Yes-Butting, try using the strategy we’re about to describe.
Step 2: Action — Join and Explore (again)
If you paid attention to the post on controlling your own Yes-Buts, here’s some good news: You can use the exact same strategy to respond to someone else’s Yes-Buts. Think back to our example of the argument about national security and human rights. Just because Charles Yes-Butted first, that doesn’t mean he’s the only one who could make a positive change. The Join and Explore strategy could work equally well for Ruth:
Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but we can’t allow those considerations to erode the basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)
Ruth: You know, I agree with that — I do think we need to keep fundamental human rights protections in place. (Join #1) A lack of regard for human life and dignity is part of what makes terrorist attacks so appalling. (Join #2) In trying to protect our society, we shouldn’t abandon the basic principles that the society is based on. (Join #3)
What do you think is the best way to balance human rights concerns with issues of public safety in the face of an imminent threat, such as a potential large-scale attack? (Open question)
Or, Are there any circumstances that you think would justify suspending a few individuals’ rights to protect the lives of others? (Open question)
As soon as you master the art of joining and asking open questions, you have the skills to transform any polite fight — no matter who said the first Yes-But.
The Upshot: At any point in a Yes-But conversation, switching to joining and asking open questions can help you understand other points of view, get your viewpoint understood, reduce everyone’s level of frustration, and start to develop a collaborative solution.
Plan B: What to Do When You Can’t Find a Way to Join
There may be times when you get Yes-Butted and your automatic response isn’t another Yes-But; it’s just plain “No!” No matter how hard you try, you can’t find anything you like or agree with in the other person’s idea. In that case, you might choose to skip the joining and go straight for an open question, like “What makes you say that?” or “What led you to that conclusion?” Be sure to keep your voice tone neutral, without any harsh or sarcastic edge (“What makes you say THAT?!”).
If the person’s idea seems crazy, extreme, or stupid to you, that’s all the more reason to start off with a question. There’s a good chance that at least one of you has information the other person doesn’t have. For instance, suppose you’re discussing layoff decisions with a colleague, explaining what a tough time you’re having. She says, “But you really should have gotten rid of David already,” and this seems extreme and unfair to you. It may turn out that your colleague knows something about David that you don’t know. We saw a situation like this in one small company, where the firing of a long-time employee had led to a great deal of conflict within the staff. As we worked with the group, it became clear that many people were uninformed or misinformed about exactly what this person had done (including threats and sexual harassment).
If all else fails, if even open questions don’t seem to work, one other option is to simply say, “I disagree” or “I have a different opinion” (again, making sure your voice tone stays neutral). While this isn’t as helpful as the other strategies for building mutual understanding, it does avoid the mixed message of a Yes-But. For that reason, it’s less likely to get an argument going.
Step 3: Practice
Keep looking out for our Yes-But Exercises (we've posted 3 so far and there are more to come) to keep building your awareness and skill with Yes-Buts.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Yes-But Exercise #3 - Yes-Butting on Purpose
Practice having a conversation entirely in Yes-Buts. This is more fun to do with a friend, but you can also do it on your own, thinking up Yes-Buts in your head, writing them down on paper, or even saying them out loud to yourself. Get creative. See how many different ways you can say “Yes” and “But” without using those words directly. This exercise will help build your awareness so that when Yes-Buts happen naturally — coming from you or from someone else — you’ll have an easier time recognizing them and remembering to try to do something different.
Yes-But Exercise #2 - Your Personal Yes-But Alerts
The most important Yes-Buts to recognize are the ones you use yourself. Unfortunately, these are also the most difficult to recognize. When you’re just starting out, we recommend asking a few people close to you to serve as your personal “Yes-But Alerts.” As we mentioned earlier in this chapter, you could ask them to give you some subtle sign (like touching their nose) every time you use a Yes-But. Or they could simply stop you and say, “Yes-But,” or point out what happened after the conversation is over. Do whatever works best for you. Over time, you’ll find that you start catching yourself, becoming your own best Yes-But alert.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Yes-But Exercise #1 — Fly on the Wall
As promised, here is the first of several Yes-But exercises; others will follow every few days. We’ll be sharing a variety of different types of exercises, so you can use whichever ones work for you and skip the others. They'll get progressively more challenging as we go on. We hope you will find these useful in building your Yes-But savvy.
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Exercise 1 — Fly on the Wall
Look for opportunities to listen for Yes-Buts in contentious conversations that don’t directly involve you. It’s a lot easier to notice a Yes-But pattern when you’re on the outside looking in, rather than stuck in the middle of it. This may happen in a meeting when your coworkers start arguing over the latest budget numbers, or in a store when you overhear children protesting about the candy or toys they’re not allowed to buy. Perhaps the easiest way to find a Yes-But conversation is by turning on the television. From confrontational interviews and political debates to petty arguments on sitcoms and reality shows, there’s no shortage of polite (and impolite) fights on the small screen. See how many Yes-Buts you can catch, and notice what kinds of effects they have on communication. What’s the impact on people’s ability to make decisions, solve problems, or understand each other’s point of view? When do they seem to help someone achieve his or her goals? When do they get in the way?
(If you come up with any questions or observations in doing this exercise, we'd love to hear them!)
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Exercise 1 — Fly on the Wall
Look for opportunities to listen for Yes-Buts in contentious conversations that don’t directly involve you. It’s a lot easier to notice a Yes-But pattern when you’re on the outside looking in, rather than stuck in the middle of it. This may happen in a meeting when your coworkers start arguing over the latest budget numbers, or in a store when you overhear children protesting about the candy or toys they’re not allowed to buy. Perhaps the easiest way to find a Yes-But conversation is by turning on the television. From confrontational interviews and political debates to petty arguments on sitcoms and reality shows, there’s no shortage of polite (and impolite) fights on the small screen. See how many Yes-Buts you can catch, and notice what kinds of effects they have on communication. What’s the impact on people’s ability to make decisions, solve problems, or understand each other’s point of view? When do they seem to help someone achieve his or her goals? When do they get in the way?
(If you come up with any questions or observations in doing this exercise, we'd love to hear them!)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Building Your Fitness with Yes-Buts
In our last few posts, we've talked a lot about Yes-Buts — the problems they can cause in conversations, when and why people use them, all the different forms they can take, and even how not to deal with them effectively. Now it's time to start looking at strategies that can actually work well.
Yes-Buts are so common, at least in American culture, that they affect all of us in one way or another. You may not use this type of communication very often, but the odds are you do it at least some of the time. (If you’re convinced that you don’t, try checking that out with a few people who know you well. You may be surprised!) Plus, even if you never Yes-Butted anyone yourself, you’d still have to face plenty of other people doing it to you, which can be extremely challenging.
To avoid getting caught up in polite fights, you need to know both how to change your own Yes-Buts and how to respond effectively when someone Yes-Buts you. We’ll teach you how to do that, and also how you can effectively intervene in other people’s conversations — for instance, what you can do when you’re leading a meeting and the discussion starts turning into a Yes-But debate. For each skill, we’ll follow a basic three-step program for behavior change: first building awareness, then learning new actions to take, and finally using repeated practice to turn those actions into a habit.
Transformation Skill: Controlling Your Own Yes-Butting
If you’re someone who tends to Yes-But a lot, learning how to do it less can make a huge difference in your communication. We’ve seen many people successfully kick the habit using the process that you’re about to learn.
Step 1: Self-awareness
The first step is to build your awareness of what it is that you’re doing. This takes practice. Remember that you can Yes-But without ever saying Yes or But. You may have a more subtle Yes-Butting style. (Be sure to read about “stealth-butting” in our earlier post.) See if you can notice what happens to you when someone gives an opinion or suggestion that you disagree with. Do you start to feel tense or agitated? Do you have trouble fully listening to the other person because your mind is so busy coming up with counter-arguments?
When you’re just starting out, you might not realize that you Yes-Butted someone until a few hours or days after the conversation is over. Over time, you’ll find yourself noticing your Yes-But thinking in the middle of a conversation. Eventually, if all goes well, you’ll be able to prevent a Yes-But argument before the first But comes out of your mouth.
As you develop this awareness, it can be helpful to keep track of the situations where you tend to get triggered. When do you Yes-But the most? Is it when your daughter asks to stay out past her curfew? When you’re talking with your friends about politics? Or when a colleague presents a new proposal that you think is too ambitious? Once you know that, you can make an effort to be particularly attentive in those situations. You might even ask a few people you trust to speak up when they catch you Yes-Butting (so long as they can do it graciously, without being too critical — maybe giving you a subtle nonverbal cue like touching the tip of their nose or some other hand signal). One man we remember had that happen accidentally. After going through a communications training he decided to teach his two sons about Yes-Buts, thinking that this might help them to stop arguing so much with each other. What he didn’t expect was that they’d start noticing how often he Yes-Butted them, which he soon learned was many times per day!
Step 2: Action — Join and Explore
Suppose you notice that you’re about to Yes-But and you manage to catch yourself in time. Now what do you do? Let’s take an example. Your spouse suggests taking a two-week vacation, and you stop yourself from automatically saying, “That would be nice, but my work schedule won’t allow it.” What do you say instead? You could just change the subject or try a noncommittal Uh-huh, but then the important information you have would never get into the conversation. Every Yes-But contains two important messages: 1) an agreement (you think a two-week vacation sounds great) and 2) a new, different or competing idea (you can’t imagine taking that much time off from work). The challenge is finding a way to communicate these ideas that makes it easier for the other person to hear them. The most effective method we’ve found is a strategy we call Join and Explore.
Join
Think of the Join as the Yes part of your Yes-But with more meat on the bones. Instead of saying a superficial, token “Yes” or “Sure” or “That would be nice,” you mention three specific things that you genuinely like or agree with in what you just heard. In our vacation example, you might say, “I’d love to spend two weeks away with you. One week often doesn’t feel like enough time to fully relax. And that way we’d be able to go someplace farther away, without worrying so much about the long flight or jet lag.”
Once you’ve sincerely joined with someone’s idea, the person is much more likely to be receptive to what you say next. In general, people are more relaxed and open with others who seem to be similar to them or on their side; anyone who comes across as being too different or too antagonistic will tend to provoke a defensive reaction. This is why we recommend joining three times, rather than one or two — it often takes three for people to feel that you honestly hear them, understand them, and can relate to what they’re saying. Just remember that your joins need to be genuine. When people try to fake this strategy, they usually come across as insincere.
Explore
So far, so good. You’ve fleshed out your Yes with three sincere, specific joins. Now comes the tricky part: expressing your concern — in this case, your worry about taking so much time off from work — without phrasing it as a “But.” In our experience, the best way to do that is to incorporate your concern into an open-ended question. In this case, you might ask, “Do you have any ideas about how I could fit a two-week trip around my work schedule?”
Consider what a difference this simple change can make in your communication. In a Yes-But conversation, there are two fixed sides. All your energy goes into arguing over which side is right: yes vs. no, two-week vacation vs. no two-week vacation. By asking an open question, you redirect that energy into constructive problem-solving. Instead of deciding “We can’t do that,” you start exploring, “How can we?” This helps both you and the other person to stay curious about new possibilities that you haven’t considered before. For example, you and your spouse might end up brainstorming some creative solution to your vacation dilemma. Maybe you’ll think of a way to combine leisure travel with a work-related trip; do some work remotely while you’re away; reassign one of your time-consuming projects; or fit in a few hours of overtime each week in the months before you leave. Not only will you avoid a fight, but you’ll also increase the chances of getting what you both want — a nice long vacation that doesn’t conflict with your work responsibilities.
Joining and Exploring on a Charged Political Issue
While many Yes-But arguments deal with practical decisions (planning a vacation, meeting, or party, hiring a new employee, or making budget cuts), some of the most heated debates involve larger legal or political issues. Topics such as abortion, gay marriage, gun control, and defense policy challenge people’s core beliefs and values. When you hear an opposing viewpoint on one of those issues, the temptation to argue can be almost irresistible. At a minimum these sorts of conflicts can be very frustrating. In worse cases they can seriously damage relationships, leaving colleagues, friends, or family members feeling alienated from one another.
The Join and Explore strategy gives us a more productive alternative. We’ll demonstrate this by applying it to a controversial issue that often gets discussed in polarized, black-and-white terms: the tension between national security and human rights. In the following dialogue, Ruth is in favor of prioritizing national security, and Charles is in favor of prioritizing human rights.
Ruth: National security concerns should take priority over individual human rights. (Opinion)
Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but that doesn’t make it okay to abandon our basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)
Ruth: Sure, those are great ideals. However, when we’re face-to-face with terrorist threats, that kind of idealism can put thousands or even millions of lives at risk. (Yes-But)
Charles: It’s easy to say that, but then you could use that argument to justify terrible human rights abuses! (Yes-But)
(And from here, the argument could continue on indefinitely.)
Now let’s back up to the start of the conversation and see how it could go a little differently. Imagine that as Ruth makes her first comment, Charles notices his reaction and realizes he is about to Yes-But. At that point he might be able to shift his focus from what he doesn’t like about Ruth’s opinion to what he can genuinely agree with (his joins):
Ruth: National security concerns should take precedence over individual human rights. (Opinion)
Charles: I agree that national security needs to be one of the country’s top priorities. (Join #1)
Attacks by terrorists can claim hundreds or thousands of lives. (Join #2)
Clearly, whatever security or intelligence measures were in place before the September 11th attacks weren’t sufficient to prevent those tragedies. (Join #3)
Charles’s next step would be to ask an open-ended question that addresses his concern, while still leaving room for Ruth to give her opinion freely. This is tricky. It would probably be much simpler for him to think of Leading questions that back Ruth into a corner, like: Don’t you think that sometimes the focus on security goes too far? Don’t we also have a responsibility to take human rights into account? Here are a few examples of genuine open questions Charles could ask:
Are there any cases where you think human rights need to come first? Or any particular human rights that you think should never be violated?
What are the limits? How would we know if we’d gone too far in infringing on individual rights?
Can you think of any ways in which protecting human rights might be compatible with promoting national security?
What steps can we take to promote national security that don’t infringe on individual rights — or that actually enhance those rights?
There’s no way to predict how will Ruth answer this type of question. Nothing Charles can do will guarantee a constructive response. But because he started out by joining with Ruth’s opinion, she’s more likely to be receptive and give his question some serious thought.
We wouldn’t expect that Ruth and Charles would end up in perfect agreement with each other. However, so long as neither person has radically extreme views — for instance, believing that anyone who disagrees with our government’s policies should be put in jail, or that there should be no security at airports because it violates the right to privacy — there will be some areas of common ground. Exploring those together will give them a good shot at developing a certain level of mutual understanding and respect. They may even discover that they can learn something from each other.
Step 3: Practice
Over the next few weeks, in between our regular posts, we’ll teach you a variety of different exercises you can try on your own to build your Yes-But fitness.
As for our regular posts, our next topic will be response skills — what to do when you get Yes-Butted by somebody else. Stay tuned!
Yes-Buts are so common, at least in American culture, that they affect all of us in one way or another. You may not use this type of communication very often, but the odds are you do it at least some of the time. (If you’re convinced that you don’t, try checking that out with a few people who know you well. You may be surprised!) Plus, even if you never Yes-Butted anyone yourself, you’d still have to face plenty of other people doing it to you, which can be extremely challenging.
To avoid getting caught up in polite fights, you need to know both how to change your own Yes-Buts and how to respond effectively when someone Yes-Buts you. We’ll teach you how to do that, and also how you can effectively intervene in other people’s conversations — for instance, what you can do when you’re leading a meeting and the discussion starts turning into a Yes-But debate. For each skill, we’ll follow a basic three-step program for behavior change: first building awareness, then learning new actions to take, and finally using repeated practice to turn those actions into a habit.
Transformation Skill: Controlling Your Own Yes-Butting
If you’re someone who tends to Yes-But a lot, learning how to do it less can make a huge difference in your communication. We’ve seen many people successfully kick the habit using the process that you’re about to learn.
Step 1: Self-awareness
The first step is to build your awareness of what it is that you’re doing. This takes practice. Remember that you can Yes-But without ever saying Yes or But. You may have a more subtle Yes-Butting style. (Be sure to read about “stealth-butting” in our earlier post.) See if you can notice what happens to you when someone gives an opinion or suggestion that you disagree with. Do you start to feel tense or agitated? Do you have trouble fully listening to the other person because your mind is so busy coming up with counter-arguments?
When you’re just starting out, you might not realize that you Yes-Butted someone until a few hours or days after the conversation is over. Over time, you’ll find yourself noticing your Yes-But thinking in the middle of a conversation. Eventually, if all goes well, you’ll be able to prevent a Yes-But argument before the first But comes out of your mouth.
As you develop this awareness, it can be helpful to keep track of the situations where you tend to get triggered. When do you Yes-But the most? Is it when your daughter asks to stay out past her curfew? When you’re talking with your friends about politics? Or when a colleague presents a new proposal that you think is too ambitious? Once you know that, you can make an effort to be particularly attentive in those situations. You might even ask a few people you trust to speak up when they catch you Yes-Butting (so long as they can do it graciously, without being too critical — maybe giving you a subtle nonverbal cue like touching the tip of their nose or some other hand signal). One man we remember had that happen accidentally. After going through a communications training he decided to teach his two sons about Yes-Buts, thinking that this might help them to stop arguing so much with each other. What he didn’t expect was that they’d start noticing how often he Yes-Butted them, which he soon learned was many times per day!
Step 2: Action — Join and Explore
Suppose you notice that you’re about to Yes-But and you manage to catch yourself in time. Now what do you do? Let’s take an example. Your spouse suggests taking a two-week vacation, and you stop yourself from automatically saying, “That would be nice, but my work schedule won’t allow it.” What do you say instead? You could just change the subject or try a noncommittal Uh-huh, but then the important information you have would never get into the conversation. Every Yes-But contains two important messages: 1) an agreement (you think a two-week vacation sounds great) and 2) a new, different or competing idea (you can’t imagine taking that much time off from work). The challenge is finding a way to communicate these ideas that makes it easier for the other person to hear them. The most effective method we’ve found is a strategy we call Join and Explore.
Join
Think of the Join as the Yes part of your Yes-But with more meat on the bones. Instead of saying a superficial, token “Yes” or “Sure” or “That would be nice,” you mention three specific things that you genuinely like or agree with in what you just heard. In our vacation example, you might say, “I’d love to spend two weeks away with you. One week often doesn’t feel like enough time to fully relax. And that way we’d be able to go someplace farther away, without worrying so much about the long flight or jet lag.”
Once you’ve sincerely joined with someone’s idea, the person is much more likely to be receptive to what you say next. In general, people are more relaxed and open with others who seem to be similar to them or on their side; anyone who comes across as being too different or too antagonistic will tend to provoke a defensive reaction. This is why we recommend joining three times, rather than one or two — it often takes three for people to feel that you honestly hear them, understand them, and can relate to what they’re saying. Just remember that your joins need to be genuine. When people try to fake this strategy, they usually come across as insincere.
Explore
So far, so good. You’ve fleshed out your Yes with three sincere, specific joins. Now comes the tricky part: expressing your concern — in this case, your worry about taking so much time off from work — without phrasing it as a “But.” In our experience, the best way to do that is to incorporate your concern into an open-ended question. In this case, you might ask, “Do you have any ideas about how I could fit a two-week trip around my work schedule?”
Consider what a difference this simple change can make in your communication. In a Yes-But conversation, there are two fixed sides. All your energy goes into arguing over which side is right: yes vs. no, two-week vacation vs. no two-week vacation. By asking an open question, you redirect that energy into constructive problem-solving. Instead of deciding “We can’t do that,” you start exploring, “How can we?” This helps both you and the other person to stay curious about new possibilities that you haven’t considered before. For example, you and your spouse might end up brainstorming some creative solution to your vacation dilemma. Maybe you’ll think of a way to combine leisure travel with a work-related trip; do some work remotely while you’re away; reassign one of your time-consuming projects; or fit in a few hours of overtime each week in the months before you leave. Not only will you avoid a fight, but you’ll also increase the chances of getting what you both want — a nice long vacation that doesn’t conflict with your work responsibilities.
Joining and Exploring on a Charged Political Issue
While many Yes-But arguments deal with practical decisions (planning a vacation, meeting, or party, hiring a new employee, or making budget cuts), some of the most heated debates involve larger legal or political issues. Topics such as abortion, gay marriage, gun control, and defense policy challenge people’s core beliefs and values. When you hear an opposing viewpoint on one of those issues, the temptation to argue can be almost irresistible. At a minimum these sorts of conflicts can be very frustrating. In worse cases they can seriously damage relationships, leaving colleagues, friends, or family members feeling alienated from one another.
The Join and Explore strategy gives us a more productive alternative. We’ll demonstrate this by applying it to a controversial issue that often gets discussed in polarized, black-and-white terms: the tension between national security and human rights. In the following dialogue, Ruth is in favor of prioritizing national security, and Charles is in favor of prioritizing human rights.
Ruth: National security concerns should take priority over individual human rights. (Opinion)
Charles: Yes, national security concerns are important, but that doesn’t make it okay to abandon our basic fundamental protections for individual human life and dignity. (Yes-But)
Ruth: Sure, those are great ideals. However, when we’re face-to-face with terrorist threats, that kind of idealism can put thousands or even millions of lives at risk. (Yes-But)
Charles: It’s easy to say that, but then you could use that argument to justify terrible human rights abuses! (Yes-But)
(And from here, the argument could continue on indefinitely.)
Now let’s back up to the start of the conversation and see how it could go a little differently. Imagine that as Ruth makes her first comment, Charles notices his reaction and realizes he is about to Yes-But. At that point he might be able to shift his focus from what he doesn’t like about Ruth’s opinion to what he can genuinely agree with (his joins):
Ruth: National security concerns should take precedence over individual human rights. (Opinion)
Charles: I agree that national security needs to be one of the country’s top priorities. (Join #1)
Attacks by terrorists can claim hundreds or thousands of lives. (Join #2)
Clearly, whatever security or intelligence measures were in place before the September 11th attacks weren’t sufficient to prevent those tragedies. (Join #3)
Charles’s next step would be to ask an open-ended question that addresses his concern, while still leaving room for Ruth to give her opinion freely. This is tricky. It would probably be much simpler for him to think of Leading questions that back Ruth into a corner, like: Don’t you think that sometimes the focus on security goes too far? Don’t we also have a responsibility to take human rights into account? Here are a few examples of genuine open questions Charles could ask:
Are there any cases where you think human rights need to come first? Or any particular human rights that you think should never be violated?
What are the limits? How would we know if we’d gone too far in infringing on individual rights?
Can you think of any ways in which protecting human rights might be compatible with promoting national security?
What steps can we take to promote national security that don’t infringe on individual rights — or that actually enhance those rights?
There’s no way to predict how will Ruth answer this type of question. Nothing Charles can do will guarantee a constructive response. But because he started out by joining with Ruth’s opinion, she’s more likely to be receptive and give his question some serious thought.
We wouldn’t expect that Ruth and Charles would end up in perfect agreement with each other. However, so long as neither person has radically extreme views — for instance, believing that anyone who disagrees with our government’s policies should be put in jail, or that there should be no security at airports because it violates the right to privacy — there will be some areas of common ground. Exploring those together will give them a good shot at developing a certain level of mutual understanding and respect. They may even discover that they can learn something from each other.
Step 3: Practice
Over the next few weeks, in between our regular posts, we’ll teach you a variety of different exercises you can try on your own to build your Yes-But fitness.
As for our regular posts, our next topic will be response skills — what to do when you get Yes-Butted by somebody else. Stay tuned!
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