Gender & Communication

The question of how gender affects communication has been a hot topic for a long time, and it’s one that comes up fairly often in our workshops. After a recent presentation we gave, one woman came up to us and asked whether certain communication patterns commonly break down along gender lines. In particular, she was curious about the complaint-proposal pattern (see our earlier posts on this topic, starting here). It seemed to her that at least in heterosexual couples, it was often the female who complained and the male who made proposals.

Our first, superficial answer is: That may be true. We haven’t done any formal research, but from our own experience, we have observed a variety of gender differences in communication patterns. If such differences do exist, we could speculate about possible reasons why. An individual’s communication might be influenced by any or all of the following gender-related factors:

• Imitation and social influences. Whether consciously or unconsciously, girls may model their communication styles after those of their female relatives and female peer groups, and boys may do the same with other males. We could imagine, for example, that females might observe and imitate a tendency to ask more personal questions, while males might be exposed to less personal, topic-focused questions.

• Neurophysiological differences. Women and men differ significantly in the relative size and activity of various regions of the brain, as well as in the flow of hormones that influence brain activity. If, as some have speculated, women have a larger proportion of mirror neurons (brain cells involved in empathy, feeling what another person is feeling), this might lead them to use more mirroring communication than men. (See our last post for an explanation of mirroring.) As another example, men’s larger amygdala (which triggers aggression, among other things) and smaller prefrontal cortex (which helps keep the amygdala in check) could potentially lead to a greater tendency to verbally attack and blame others.

• Larger social structures. The woman at our presentation raised the possibility that a relatively lower status in a particular organization, or in the society as a whole, may make females more likely to complain. There might very well be some truth in this. Complaints are associated with a sense of helplessness. In a situation where men have significantly more power and influence, women may experience more of that helplessness and therefore tend to complain more. (In a situation where women had greater power, the communication patterns may be reversed.)

Any of these speculations could be tested by research, using SAVI coding and other tools. (In coding, we record the SAVI behaviors being used every 3 seconds to get a comprehensive view of a communication pattern.) For instance, we could code conversations in largely male-led vs. female-led companies to test for gender differences in the frequency of complaints.

Certainly, looking at the impact of gender can give us a new perspective on what causes communication to succeed or fail. How useful is this perspective? We’d argue that it brings both benefits and risks. Potential benefits include:

• Greater patience and tolerance. Say we find solid evidence that men have an inherent neurophysiological disadvantage in mirroring. The men among us who don’t mirror feelings very well could take heart that this is not an isolated, personal failing. Meanwhile, the women in their lives might be somewhat more patient and forgiving as they struggle to develop that capacity. In general, seeing all of our unproductive communication habits in a larger context — influenced by powerful biological and social forces — might help us to take them less personally.

• Increased social awareness. If we can isolate factors that contribute to communication problems, we can take steps to mitigate their effects. For instance, if we learn that boys don’t get much exposure to a particular type of useful communication, we can make a special effort to teach it to them. We could even use communication patterns as a warning sign of deeper structural problems. If a link does exist between power imbalances and complaints, frequent complaining by female (or male) employees in a particular department or organization could suggest that women (or men) are disempowered within that group.

Now for the risks. These are not arguments for ignoring gender issues, just cautions about the types of conclusions we draw and the way we apply them to individual cases. Potential dangers include:

• Overestimating the role of gender-related factors. Gender is only one factor among many that may influence how a person communicates. Whatever we can say about how men and women differ in general, those findings will never apply to all individuals or all situations.

• Viewing gender-influenced tendencies as fixed. When we start to analyze communication in terms of what women do and what men do, there’s a danger of seeing these as fixed — simply determined by evolution or our hormones or our culture. In fact, no matter what caused us to communicate the way we do now, we can always learn to do things differently in the future,

• Focusing on people rather than behavior. This brings us back to a key principle in SAVI: what causes a conversation to succeed or fail is not who the people are (their gender, personality traits, motivation, etc.), but rather what the people do. Certain ways of communicating (complaining, Yes-butting, asking leading questions, etc.) will tend to cause trouble no matter who uses them. If a couple gets stuck in a complaint-proposal cycle, it doesn’t matter who’s complaining and who’s proposing. In fact, it’s not uncommon to see people switch roles in these sorts of patterns — one day Carol complains and Jim responds with proposals, and the next day Jim starts complaining and Carol makes proposals.

It may turn out that considerations of gender are most useful to us when we’re trying to understand why people have developed particular patterns of communicating. When it comes to trying to change patterns that are already established, we can take a more unisex approach. Our basic underlying strategy for changing communication behavior — supported by research in neuroscience (see our earlier post) — is perfectly egalitarian. No matter who you are and what factors shaped your ways of communicating, the key is to address whatever you’re doing right now that’s not working: build an awareness of what you’re doing; find a new, more constructive alternative; and practice that new alternative again and again, until it becomes the new norm. In this way, you can work to improve your conversations not just with the opposite sex, but with every person in your life.

Responding to Grief, Loss, and Disappointment — Part 2

In our last post, we talked about how not to respond to a person suffering from grief, loss, or disappointment. Now let’s look at the other side of the story: what type of communication is likely to be more effective in this situation.

The primary guideline is one that we come back to frequently in our advice about various tough conversations: When a person says something that’s emotionally charged (whether with anger, frustration, fear, or sadness) it’s often a good idea to respond by attuning to them — showing that you’ve heard and understood their emotional message. In SAVI, we call this mirroring.

Note that mirroring shows understanding, and doesn’t just state it. If a friend tells you she’s feeling depressed and lonely after a breakup, simply saying, “I understand” or “I know how you feel” is not mirroring. Those statements give no evidence that you really know what she’s feeling — particularly if your voice tone stays neutral or flat. In contrast, a true mirror would reflect back both the sadness in your friend’s voice tone and the content she has expressed. To reflect the content, you could either use some of the same words (“So since the breakup, you’ve been feeling lonely and depressed”) or rephrase what you heard (“I can hear how painful this has been for you”). What’s important is to show that you understand the core emotional message that’s coming through. That will only happen if the mirroring is authentic, with the words sincerely felt.

Benefits of Mirroring
Mirroring the other person’s experience can bring several important benefits:

• Emotional shift. Because of the way human beings are wired (our neuropsychological makeup), simply attuning to someone’s negative emotion tends to foster more positive emotions.
• Reduced frustration and alienation. When someone is upset, there’s nothing more frustrating than the feeling that nobody else understands what he or she is going through. This can add a sense of loneliness and isolation to whatever difficult emotions the person is already experiencing. Mirroring helps to avoid this issue. Even if nothing else changes, a sense of truly being understood is often a substantial relief. As we mentioned earlier, the mirror must be authentic for this to happen; an insincere attempt is apt to make the person feel worse, rather than better.
• Potential for a shift in focus. Although we sometimes confront grief and loss in isolated settings devoted solely to that purpose (e.g., a funeral or wake, or a whole evening set aside to commiserate with friends), these feelings often emerge in other contexts where we have conflicting obligations. Perhaps you’re empathizing with a coworker, but also need to work together with her on a project; or you’re comforting a relative whose child is sick, but also need to help him make important medical decisions. It may be necessary, and even emotionally beneficial, for the individual who’s upset to focus on something different for a while. Because of the previously mentioned benefits (helping to soothe negative feelings, reduce frustration, and provide a sense of being heard), a person who has been effectively mirrored may have an easier time shifting focus to other topics. Of course, there are no guarantees, and it may take an extended period of mirroring before someone calms down enough to think clearly. But this approach definitely increases the odds of success.
• Straightforward approach. This benefit is for the individual who’s doing the mirroring. You don’t have to worry about saying the “right words” or coming up with something original and inspired to comfort the other person. All you have to do is listen and reflect back what you’re hearing. This is not to say that mirroring is easy. The ability to attune to someone else’s emotions is an acquired skill, and for many (if not most) of us, it is not a natural first reaction. It generally takes practice to do it effectively. But once you’ve developed that ability, it’s a relatively straightforward matter to put it into practice.

Beyond Mirroring
Mirroring is one type of communication that SAVI identifies as “resonating,” dealing directly with emotions or other deeply meaningful information. There are also other ways to resonate, which can be particularly useful after you’ve mirrored first.

Sharing your own inner feeling. While a mirror is focused on the other person, an inner feeling focuses on you and how you feel. Just as with mirroring, it is important for genuine emotion to come through in your voice tone. You might say, with empathy, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” or “I really feel for you — just hearing about that brings tears to my eyes.” You might also share feelings that are somewhat different from what the other person expressed: “I feel frustrated that I can’t do anything to make this better” or “I’m so angry with her for leaving you this way/not giving you a chance/making the wrong diagnosis/etc.” Just keep in mind that these are your emotions, and the other person may not share them. If they are quite different from what that person is feeling, you might not want to emphasize them too heavily, lest you draw too much attention onto yourself and away from the person you’re trying to support.

Asking a feeling question. In addition to reflecting someone’s emotions and sharing your own, you might want to learn more about what’s happening for this other person. You can do this with a feeling question — a type of question that deals with deeply personal, meaningful issues. In asking such a question, there is often a sense of taking a risk or going out on a limb. Here are a few examples of feeling questions: “Are you angry with him?” “Do you feel safe being alone in the house tonight?” “Do you feel ready to come back to work, or is it too soon?” “Would you be comfortable with my telling Karen about what’s going on?” “Is it helpful to have me here, or would you rather be alone?”

Putting it all Together
Here is an example of how you might use these strategies to respond to one of the scenarios we introduced in the last post:

Scenario: Your friend tells you that he has just lost his job, and is feeling insecure about his professional competence and his prospects for his future.

(All comments below are made with an empathetic voice tone)
I can hear this is really scary — you lost something that you’ve relied on not just for financial security, but also for your sense of identity and competence. (Mirror)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. (Inner feeling) I care about you, and want to be there as a support in any way I can. (Inner feeling)
What would be most helpful for you right now? (Feeling question)

As we mentioned earlier, it’s often not possible to devote long periods of time to purely emotional discussions. And that’s not necessarily what’s best for someone dealing with grief and loss. While a certain amount of attunement can help soothe negative emotions, that doesn’t mean that the more you empathize, the better the other person will feel. In fact, if you keep it going for too long, you might both wind up spiraling into despair. But at least as a start, for beginning one of these conversations, a combination of mirroring, sharing inner feelings, and/or asking feeling questions is the most effective strategy we have found.

At first, it might be quite challenging to respond in this way. Talking about deeply sad topics can be both upsetting and frustrating. When someone we care about is in distress, it’s natural to want to help, to make the situation a little better, to do something. It can feel inadequate to just listen and empathize — which is one reason why people commonly resort to positive predictions and the other types of ineffective comments we discussed in the last post. But the truth is, we usually can’t change the current reality, and we can’t predict the future; we simply don’t have the power to make things better. Often, listening and empathizing is all we can do. At these times, that just might be the greatest gift we can give.