A Timely Article on Complaining

Thanks to Michael Rutter for pointing out a recent article on the hazards of complaining at work, which provides a nice follow-up to our last post:

Soft Skills at Work: Complaining can affect productivity, morale

It gives some good, concrete examples of just how deadly this type of communication can be for morale and productivity — as well as for an individual’s chances of professional advancement.

With an understanding of SAVI, we can make a couple of additional observations.

First: The word “complaint” can mean two completely different things:

1. Discussing something you don’t like in a particular way — groaning, griping, or grumbling about it. This is the main type of complaining addressed in the “soft skills” article, and also the type of complaining we’re talking about in SAVI. Here’s the official SAVI definition: “Frustrated or whining narratives implying that circumstances or others are unfair or too much, not directly blaming the person being spoken to. Resentful description of the situation one is in.”
   
   Voice tone makes all the difference. It almost doesn’t matter what words you say; if you’re saying them in a whiny tone of voice, they almost certainly qualify as a SAVI complaint. The whine communicates a sense of helplessness and passivity, presenting the situation as a burden to be borne rather than a problem to be solved.
   
   
2. Simply drawing attention to something that is wrong or not working, without a strong emotional charge. In common usage, the term “customer complaint” often has this second meaning. Departments charged with handling customer complaints don’t focus only on customers who whine. This type of “complaint” is an entirely different form of communication, and its effect on a conversation will tend to be quite different from that of a SAVI complaint.
   
   As the article states, “If there is a problem that needs to be addressed, bringing it to the attention of employers and suggesting possible remedies can be helpful. Using a professional tone while describing the difficulty is essential…” We agree. And when you do that, you’re not really complaining at all. Instead of whining about how bad things are, you’re contributing to the type of problem-solving that can help make things better.

Second: Complaints carry very important information.
If complaining is so damaging, the obvious solution is to simply stop doing it — to just (putting it bluntly) “suck it up and deal” with the circumstances you’re facing. While this may help you avoid some of the negative side effects of complaining, it’s only a partial solution. When we complain, there’s a reason for it. Merely stifling our complaints is not only difficult (just try going a whole day, or a whole week without complaining; for many of us this is a superhuman task!); it also fails to address the root cause.

What is the root cause of a complaint? Hidden beneath every complaint is a want. We complain because there is something we want that we aren’t getting, or something we don’t want that we feel stuck with. Often we don’t even know what it is that we want. In many circumstances, we may believe that we can’t get what we want — perhaps because we think that we don’t deserve it, that our workplace is unjust, or that other people are unfair. As a result we don’t take the step to clearly identify our wants, much less actively pursue them.

The solution? The most effective method we’ve found is to shift from passive complaining to more active, problem-solving forms of communication. Since the core issue is an underlying want, you can get to the heart of the matter by asking yourself two simple questions: 1) What do you really want? and 2) What can you do to help make that happen? Ask these questions at least three times, going a little bit deeper each time. Take as long as you need to seriously consider the answers.

The repetition is important; some coaches have their clients repeat the questions dozens of times. Typically the original complaint is just the tip of the iceberg, with deeper needs and concerns lying further under the surface. Consider an example. Say your colleague is complaining about some difficulties she’s having with a particular outdated computer program. Now the questions:

• What does she want? Different, more updated software.
  What would help make that happen? Researching other software options and presenting a proposal to her boss for ordering something better.
  
  
• What does she really want? To have all the technology she uses for work be reliable, so she can do her job efficiently.
  What would help make that happen? Setting a time to periodically review how well all the technology is working, and whether upgrades make sense.
  
  
• Underneath that, what does she want? The freedom to order new technology when she needs it.
  What would help make that happen? Having a discussion with her boss about gaining that ability.
  
  
• And underneath that, what does she want? Greater autonomy and responsibility in her job.
  What would help make that happen? Making a list of additional responsibilities she would like to take on, and discussing it at her annual performance review.
  
  
• Is there anything even deeper that she wants? Knowledge that she is trusted and respected as a competent, reliable professional.
  What would help make that happen? Scheduling regular meetings with her boss outside the annual review to evaluate her performance and consider opportunities for future growth.

And we could keep on going. Just notice how a seemingly superficial gripe can be tied in to much deeper issues. Also notice the way in which asking questions can help a person who has been stuck in complaining to start moving toward active change.

Now a couple of questions for you: What aspects of your work or life do you tend to complain about the most? Would you consider asking these simple questions instead? You might be surprised by what you’ll discover!