When it comes to communication, are you fit or flabby?
What do we mean by conversational fitness? Think about what it means to be physically fit. Fitness isn’t a single, isolated thing — it includes a wide range of skills and capacities, and there are many different ways you could measure it. For instance:
- How quickly can you run (or jog, or walk) a mile?
- How long can you run (or walk, or hike, or bike) without getting fatigued?
- How many pounds can you lift with each of your major arm muscles?
- Can you touch your knees, or touch your toes, or put your palms on the floor?
Conversational fitness works in much the same way. There’s no one skill or personality trait that makes someone an effective communicator, and we all have a few weak spots. While some aspects of communication might come naturally to you, there are likely to be others that take a lot more effort. Some may be so challenging that you do your best to avoid them altogether. To increase your level of fitness, you need to identify the areas in which your performance isn’t quite up to snuff and come up with strategies to improve it. In physical terms, that means devoting a certain amount of time and energy to the types of activities that will build your strength, flexibility, agility, stamina, or whatever else it is that you need to work on. With communication, boosting your fitness requires a different type of practice — developing greater skill and flexibility in the way you express yourself and respond to what other people say. Below is a list of 5 basic communication skills that you can develop using SAVI. (There are many others; we’ll keep posting more over time.) Take a minute to read through them and ask yourself, which of the following can you do easily? Which are more of a challenge? Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is very little skill, and 10 is an ideal level of skill. If any of these topics are of particular interest to you, let us know! We’re happy to answer any specific questions you might have.
- Expressing feelings directly
When you’re feeling frustrated or upset, can you communicate that clearly, without complaining or blaming other people for your problems? Rate yourself from 1 to 10: ___ - Responding effectively to others’ strong feelings
When other people express sadness, disappointment, or anger, can you help them to feel heard and understood — even if those emotions are directed at you? Rate yourself from 1 to 10: ___
- Setting clear boundaries
Are you able to say No and set limits firmly, with no irritation or hostility? Rate yourself from 1 to 10: ___ - Giving and asking for data
Do you effectively test your ideas against reality? If you see other people getting caught up in overly optimistic schemes or overly pessimistic worrying, can you steer the conversation back to a more level-headed focus on the facts? Rate yourself from 1 to 10: ___ - Resolving conflicts collaboratively
If you disagree with someone else’s opinions, do you have strategies for reaching a mutual understanding and finding areas of common ground? Rate yourself from 1 to 10: ___
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Very interesting and well written post.
ReplyDeleteI did well on the test but wonder how others would rate my "conversational fitness". Question: do you find that people are good judges of their own conversational fitness or do people tend to view themselves as good communicators even when the reality is otherwise.
Great question. It varies quite a bit from person to person. Certainly, there are plenty of individuals who would rate themselves as excellent communicators when there is a great deal of evidence to the contrary. Often it takes some training to increase a person's awareness. When we do follow-ups after our workshops, many people report being surprised at how much Yes-butting (or complaining, or mind-reading, etc.) they've started to notice in themselves. If you really want an accurate measure, it's best to check with the people around you -- those whom you trust to give you honest feedback. Very often our spouses, family members, and close colleagues know our communication styles much better than we know them ourselves!
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